Marriage needs help – looking for a male mentor/guide

[dreamawake]

I’m looking for support from anyone who is having long-term success with bonding-based sex in a marriage, particularly where the other partner has been shutdown when it comes to sex for quite some time. We’ve tried reading through books like Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow (Robinson) and Slow Sex (Richardson), but to little avail. Quite frankly, my wife isn’t all that interested. And as a self-described sexual anorexic, she’s content on going long stretches without sex, and I can’t really make it past 6 weeks if we’re not consistent with bonding approaches. Even trying to schedule bonding nights has proven unappealing for her, as we trail off after a few days (her lack of interest).

I’ve also tried getting support for this approach in 12-Step fellowships, but the prevailing sense is that conventional/orgasm sex with one’s spouse is healthy and the ideal. And with our marriage moving into some precarious territory, I’m reaching out here as a lifeline. I love my wife, and I want our relationship to work and flourish. And I think it can with the right support. If there are any guys/husbands here that could serve as a mentor/guide, I’d truly appreciate it.

I’ve checked out all of the resources here and on other sites, which has only gotten me so far. As a recovering sex addict, I know orgasms are addictive for me, and I also know that regular accountability with a person who gets this approach would serve me well. Any assistance, particularly from a male perspective, would be greatly appreciated – thank you!

• This topic was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by dreamawake.

[Quietthoughts]

Sorry for what you’re going through. So painful.

If she wants to save the marriage, consider seeing a counselor. Regular contact with a professional can help you put some sustainable structure into your joint effort. I know a couple whose counselor is using the “Gottlieb method.” Not sure what that entails, but it’s a starting point for you if you interview some potential therapists.

If she doesn’t want to save it….

[peicouple]

If you are looking for an accountability partner I can help.

Have you considered the idea of Karezza [nobody climaxes] or coitus reservatus, woman free to climax but many does not? Several years ago my wife and I switched to coitus reservatus and its worked very well.

[dreamawake]

Thank you for the feedback, QuietThoughts – I appreciate it. We are both therapists, so we’re familiar with the Gottlieb method and practice many of the principles. As Gottlieb indicates, though, 70% of marriage issues aren’t really overcome. Right now, my wife doesn’t really want to pursue couples therapy.

That said, things have improved between us, mainly as I’ve put less pressure on my wife and our relationship to pursue this path. Based on some other feedback I’ve received, it seems to work best when I simply lead by example. My wife seems more open when I am more grounded, more relaxed, and more attuned to her/myself (which is consistent with what I’ve read about karezza, etc.). So, I’m continuing to lean in that direction. The challenge for me is not pursuing an orgasm, while my wife chooses to do so on her end. At least it’s more of an exploration now however, and less of a push-pull experience, which is good. Thanks again for the feedback & support…

[dreamawake]

Thank you, peicouple – I appreciate the support and am interested in the accountability support. What’s the best way to connect with you directly?

And we’ve tried karezza off and on together, but my wife is mixed on the approach. She’s not really into the slow-paced style outlined in the Ecstatic Exchanges in Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow or in Diana Richardson’s books. Her bandwidth is more 10-15 minutes, otherwise it’s too intense for her. And she likes to have an orgasm from time to time, too. My wife doesn’t have the compulsive issue with orgasm, like I do from an addiction standpoint, so I know the issue is likely a bit more on my end.

That said, I’m leaning in trying the coitus reservatus approach that you mentioned. Since I definitely experience the neurochemical fallout from traditional orgasm (Coolidge effect, increased irritability, etc.), I know I need to pause on my end in order to be more balanced and loving. Though given my addictive history with orgasms, stopping has proven challenging for me.

Fortunately, my wife is on board in supporting me with that approach. Who knows, perhaps over time she’ll want to lean in that direction as well.

Again, I appreciate the support, and look forward to connecting more on the accountability front when possible. Simply let me know what works best for you….

[Author]

Posts