My experience of sacred sex has been in the context of creating and maintaining a monogamous heterosexual couple. I am not in a good position to talk about other relationship arrangements.
To find total satisfaction without orgasm, you just need to be accepting and patient. The core idea is to be joined to your beloved by touch and intention.
Bodily penetration is optional. All outcomes are okay, no penetration, partial penetration, full penetration. Each is a route to different outcomes, all good. This is why there is no failure, no need for performance anxiety. It is a collaboration, not one person doing something sexual to another.
There is a lot of value in the woman drawing the man in. She can have control of the act of penetration, as much as he can have control. This could be very healing for someone who has experienced coercive or painful sex in the past.
Each partner is equally responsible for managing their own level of sexual stimulation and for that of their partner. The idea is to generate and sustain ‘warm’ sex, not to fan the flames of ‘hot’ sex.
Stop when you have had enough, fallen asleep, need a break…
If you find certain sexual acts too stimulating, just don’t do them. This might mean no oral sex or whatever else puts you or your partner on a short fuse. It might mean not fantasising about being the image of a great lover or wearing sexy clothes to fuel arousal. Don’t torture yourself by acting out what you know to be the quickest way to orgasm. You are the original creators of your own experience here.
If nothing happens beyond physical joining, then that is also okay because it will still be producing beneficial effects at a subtle level that then play out in everyday life. Realistically, this is the most common outcome, rather than an earth-shattering, transcendental experience. By approaching the encounter with an open heart and open expectations, you have honoured your partner and yourself. It is a win-win situation.
Living sacred sex can put the spontaneity into what you do – it is a positive contribution to longer-term relationships. You are jointly looking to relax into a flow state, and that transition cannot be hurried.
More advanced interaction can be created through visualisation of chakras, through deliberate visualisation of energy circulation, and through co-ordinated breathing. There are areas where we are still at the learning stages.
There is also a whole field of sexual yoga that focuses on drawing energy upwards within the body.
The time of day can influence your energy states. Indirectly, it can influence whether you want to engage in partnered sexual activity, or not. Men should have what is sometimes called ‘morning wood’. These are spontaneous erections that happen during the night or early in the morning. Unless there is an underlying physical condition, this should happen to any man, well into old age. Things that work against morning wood include diabetes, some heart conditions, obesity and watching a lot of pornography. Sacred sexuality is available whenever you have the urge to make love without any serious time restriction.
I would suggest intoxication is really not helpful. Alcohol may lower inhibitions, but it also tends to reduce self-control and mindfulness.
The other form of unhelpful intoxication can be imagery. If you have been watching lots of pornography, it is best to let go of any of that imagery. Don’t play out porn scenes or porn fantasy in your mind. It is both disrespectful to your real partner and inhibits sacred sexual practice.
One core concept of sacred sex is to be mindful and to be wholly within the moment. Focus on real sensations, real sensuality. Focus on now. Your real partner is enough.
Sacred sexual practice leaves us feeling more relaxed after a love making session. In turn, we can feel more creative, more energised and productive. This overall feeling of well-being means other areas of our life go better, less prone to impulsive behaviour and we find that we spend less time and energy dealing with hassles and resentment. The latter typically happen in relationships where frequent orgasmic sex is taking place. Sacred sex can take your life onto a whole new level of contentment and achievement. Enjoy!