Parents share their advice for practicing Synergy with kids in the house.

A father:

We work around our kids’ schedule. We usually have 2-3 quickie sessions for about 10 to 30 minutes whenever we can manage in the daytime on weekends. Sometimes it gets very romantic to get connected with just a little opportunity.

We don’t forbid our kids to interrupt us and always respond to their call. My wife is a very caring mother and thinks that our kids’ call should come before our hour-long lovemaking. Actually, bedtime is the main time of our lovemaking. Last night we remained connected for around 2-3 hours until we fell asleep.

Another parent

Sometimes we had to work around our kids’ schedule and just slip in lovemaking when we could, but other times we trained them to give us our alone time together. In the evenings for example, “special bedtime” for them meant being ready for bed with lots of storybooks to read and in their rooms for the night an hour ahead of actual bedtime. That gave them time to wind down and learn to be okay having quiet time to themselves, and gave us the extra hour beyond what we would have had they gone to bed at the regular time.

Another parent

We had at-home date nights where both kids spent the night at friends’ houses (and we’d return the favor for their friends’ parents).

On specified mornings, say every other Saturday, we’d tell them ahead of time that if they woke up before a certain time, they had to play quietly in their rooms until we came to get them, because we were taking our alone time together. They did try to test it and so at first we were interrupted, but they quickly found out we meant business. Eventually they came to accept and even enjoy the routine. It didn’t happen that often, and we’d make it fun for them, giving them breakfast snacks they were allowed to eat in their rooms when they woke up the next morning. It felt like bedroom camping for them. I wouldn’t trade raising kids for anything in the world. But we sure didn’t complain when the empty nest years came around.

Another father

When our kids were really little, we would engage in the evening after they were put to bed. We slept in what was called the” family bed” (everyone in one big bed). So, when we wanted sex we would say, “Let’s go to the hotel” which meant the extra bed in the other room.

We began non-orgasmic lovemaking when our boys were about 5 and 7. We have always been open with them and they know we are sexually active. They were free to come into our room when we were engaging. If they needed us, they would knock on our door, we would stop and say, “come in.” We would hear what they wanted and suggest how they could take care of themselves. Obviously, we would stop if there was some kind of crisis, but this rarely happened and they learned to give us space when our door was closed. They understood it was “mommy/daddy time” and not to disturb us except in case of emergency.

A newborn can be quite consuming. On the other hand, this approach does not have to require a lot of energy. If you’re tired and all you do is join bodies, move a little, and then fall asleep, this is still beautiful.

On another note I recently explained this approach to my older son as he is now sexually active. He took to it right away, and although he might not be too deep into it at this point, he definitely engages in non-orgasmic lovemaking. From what I hear he’s quite popular with the young ladies. This is truly a wonderful thing to pass on to my boys.

A mother

My kids are a little younger, but they know that if our door is closed, they should:
A) solve their own problem
B) slip a note under the door (we’ve gotten some hilarious ones)
C) if necessary, knock.
It seems like they’re learning resourcefulness and problem solving during the times when we’re not available, and they creatively entertain themselves, too. Life skills!
They have found us under a blanket a number of times. That’s one thing we do – keep a blanket handy! We say we’re resting. They might think it odd that we like to rest naked, but it is what it is. When we’re connecting, it is a very private thing of course, but I don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed, so I don’t think they’re picking up an idea that something shameful is happening.

Another mom

We discovered this kind of connection accidentally when my husband (temporarily) wasn’t able to do conventional sex but wanted to be physically close and intimate. Once we felt what that did for us, it became something we continued to desire.

We told our kids there were private times they couldn’t interrupt us except in an emergency, and that it had nothing to do with not being caring. Our time together benefited the whole family as a unit. It was carefully paced, age appropriate, and gently explained. IMO kids feel very very secure when their parents are deeply in love and they know they are expressing it to each other. In that atmosphere, it’s easier for them to start gently learning independence and learning how to sacrifice for another’s needs now and then.

It also taught them that sex continues joyfully after marriage — unlike what they were taught in the media. While we needed our privacy, we did eventually want them to know we were having sex during that time, for their current and future happiness and security as much as for ours.

It was win-win. Looking back, the fact that we nurtured our relationship that way is one of their fondest memories, and now they’ve grown into adults who still cherish their spouses after years of faithful marriage. And they love my grandkids to death as well.

Another trick my dad told us as newlyweds that we never had a chance to try: Hide 29 quarters out in the safe fenced backyard. Tell the kids they can have as many as they find. But tell them you hid 30. I loved that idea but I think I would have worried too much instead of enjoying intimacy. I’d be having visions of my kids climbing the fence out into the street, digging up the garden, chopping down the tree — just about anything to find that last quarter.

Another parent

This approach was actually my beloved wife’s idea. Being exhausted from daily work we didn’t feel much desire for sex and it became a weekly affair. My wife asked me to just connect with her before sleeping. I found it effortless and much more intimate. We enjoyed it so much that we started to regularly falling sleep connected. Our experiment has become part of our life.

Two or three times our children have found us in bed because we forgot to lock the door. A blanket was the only thing that rescued us. One advantage of this kind of lovemaking is that it’s less shocking for a child wandering in since it looks like cuddling. The funniest thing is that last time our son wanted to join us! I personally think this style of lovemaking suits a couple with children more than conventional lovemaking. They can connect without noises and can just stop when interrupted.