Zackary Stockhill hosts this fun podcast, “How to make love last”. Primarily in this episode, he interviews author of Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow: From habit to harmony in sexual relationships, Marnia Robinson. In addition, we hear from her friend called Anya, who also offers her extensive input as well.
They discuss the concepts in Robinson’s book and refer to the all-important, subtle neurochemical events which happen during fertilisation-driven sex, i.e. during the pursuit of orgasm. With good humour the trio compare their experience with non-orgasmic sex. Furthermore, they discuss how knowledge of the non-orgasmic sex approach has appeared in many spiritual traditions across the centuries. It is sometimes called ‘karezza’.
The two women share amusing anecdotes about their experiences over the years of learning to practise this form of gentle lovemaking. Having settled into the practice of it with their respective partners, they talk about the enormous health and work benefits they have experienced. Fortunately, that includes prolonged relationship harmony.
Stockhill and Robinson relate tales of what happened when they sought to introduce the approach to a new partner. As a result they are able to describe what this practice looks like in everyday life.
From the book Anya recites a list of the vital “bonding behaviours”.* It’s important to know that these help sustain the glue in emotional bonds when used on a daily basis and require little effort. They offer huge gain for partners in this type of an experimental relationship.
* Bonding behaviours signal a primitive part of the mammalian brain to relax, to approach, to trust.
- Smiling, with eye contact and
- Gazing into each other’s eyes for several moments (In the courtly love tradition in medieval Western Europe, eye-gazing was considered the most powerful courtship activity, and scientists have confirmed its potency.)
- Preparing your partner something to eat
- Kissing with lips and tongues
- Stroking or hugging with intent to comfort along with
- Wordless sounds of contentment and pleasure
- Skin-to-skin contact
- Making time together in bed a priority
- Gently placing your palm over, or holding, your lover’s genitals with intent to connect and comfort
- Touching and sucking of nipples and/or breasts
- Sexual meditation with genital contact
- Affectionate intercourse
- Holding, or spooning, each other in stillness
- Massaging with intent to comfort; this includes feet, shoulders, and head
- Sharing a meal, or a walk, with your attention on each other
- Synchronised breathing and
- Listening to your partner’s heartbeat for several moments. This works with
- Cradling, or gently rocking, your partner’s head and torso, in addition
- Providing a service or treat without being asked works well with
- Unconditional forgiveness of momentary lapses
- Listening intently, and restating what you hear, further
- Unsolicited approval, via smiles or compliments