Make Sex, not Love? Heike Melzer | TEDxStuttgart

QuietthoughtsSynergy Explorers

This fascinating talk by German neurologist and psychotherapist Heike Melzer gives viewers insight into the sex lives of couples today, especially those seeking therapy.  She looks at the slogan “make love, not war”, and asks whether it hasn’t changed into “make sex, not love?”

The problems that she sees in her clients are often linked with smartphone use. Furthermore, they complain of a certain lassitude or overall weariness. It isn’t a general form of fatigue, but rather being tired of one’s sexual partner. She asks, are we really as “overworked and underf***ed” as we pretend, or more probably “oversexed and underworked”? Melzer explains that this is in part due to the phenomenon known as the Coolidge effect, but she also points to the constant availability of novel, hardcore pornography and sex toys.

She raises the issue of loyalty or fidelity within a relationship. She asks viewers to consider, “What distinguishes sex gourmets from sexaholics, who can’t find the off switch?”

Melzer takes an interesting trip through the social history of sex since the nineteen sixties. “Reproduction, love and instincts are the three dimensions of sex”, she says. Then she elaborates on how these have changed in relation to one another over the past few decades. What about love? Does love stand any chance at all in these turbulent times?

She offers practical tips and sage advice about how to find the right balance in relationships. See her book currently only available in German: Scharfstellung: Die neue sexuelle Revolution – Eine Sexualtherapeutin spricht Klartext (English – “Focus: The New Sexual Revolution – A Sex Therapist speaks in Clear Terms”).