‘Needless’ sex?

TurningPointSynergy Explorers

Here’s an inspiring description of Synergy-style sex by a non-English native (male):

A wonderful sexual experience with no end. Hours of continuation. And no need for orgasm. Always like a summit of plentitude. A state of ‘needlessness’. Needlessness, but enjoyment. … I was so full of radiance. Full of life.

Needlessness. This simple, idyllic concept instantly distinguishes Synergy lovemaking from conventional lovemaking. The latter is about scratching an itch, meeting what feels like a demanding need, struggling toward a goal. And too often losing focus in the present.

‘Needless sex’, as used here, is sex without hunger, neediness or seduction – all of which stem from a biologically produced sense of lack. Lack serves our genes in their efforts to make themselves immortal. However, lack equates with a degree of dissatisfaction. So, it will never compare with the gift of needlessness.

These reflections brought to mind one of the biggest challenges I faced when I was new to the Synergy approach. I found it difficult to stop striving for more.

The inertia of ‘seeking’

Let’s say things are going well. You’re intrigued by Synergy and even fortunate enough to have a lover who is willing to explore it. You’re in awe of how compatible you two are. How delighted, relaxed, cherished and treasured you feel, both in and out of the bedroom. You’ve never experienced anything like it. Bliss.

Yet old habits die hard. If ‘needless’ sex feels this good, wouldn’t sex that’s a little more vigorous or hotter or seductive feel that much better? As conventional lovers, we are all programmed to keep pushing for…well…more. That’s our default setting, in fact. Why? Because it improves the odds of climax (and thus conception), even if we aren’t consciously seeking it.

That old program still bleeped its signals and triggered my rationalizations for a while. “Well why not?” “What could it hurt?” “I want to be a good lover.” “I’m just making a great thing even better, right?” Unconsciously I sped up my movements. Or engaged in hotter caresses. Or rationalized going closer to The Edge.

Repeatedly I crashed (climaxed) or pushed my partner too far. And soon found, yet again, that I really did not like the fallout over the following weeks. Instead of increasing my satisfaction or feelings of contentment, climax – or even going too near The Edge – left me feeling barred from my desired destination. I felt like I could still see that destination, but I was shut outside with my nose pressed against the glass gazing achingly at what had yet again retreated beyond my reach.

It helps to keep your eyes on the larger goals: clearer spiritual perception, open, healed hearts, and finding your life’s work together. There will be satisfying breakthroughs of these kinds if you stay on track.

Gradually, I learned to be content with the deliciousness of effortless, non-goal driven sex, and to stay laser-focused in the present. It grew easier with time, and certain reflections seemed to help.

Resisting Mother Nature’s marketing

For example, I kept in mind our genes’ unconscious biological agenda, and how our programming promises new lovers unending sexual fireworks…until habituation sets in and you both wonder what happened. Somewhat like business tactics that lure us in with interest-free introductory loans or  weeks of complimentary service. Later, the full cost hits.

I asked myself, “Do I want to pursue the illusive, transient thrills that are present at the outset of any relationship (thanks to the temporary high of “honeymoon neurochemistry”)? Or do I want a loving, sustainable relationship and pleasurable sex with fewer highs and lows?” I reminded myself of the sad reality of the human mammal: we can’t have both for long.

So, if your Synergy bliss is easy and comforting, but not especially fiery, you needn’t worry that you are doing Synergy wrong. Or imagine that someone on the forum can tell you some secret for keeping honeymoon neurochemistry at a fever pitch.

Just be patient and cultivate feelings of wholeness and pleasure in the present. Celebrate these feelings so they multiply. Instead of looking around for more.