The New York Times yakaburitsa Guest Essay ine musoro unoti, “Sei Vanhu Vakawanda Vasiri Kuroora? Bvunzai Madzimai Kuti Kusvirana Kwakaita Sei."
Hazvitore mucherechedzi ane hunyanzvi kuti aone kudzikira kwakanyanya munyika yekusangana. Vazhinji vakakura vaine zvinangwa zvegamuchidzanwa zvewanano nemhuri vakazviwana nenzira inorwadza vachifamba mukuderera kwepasirese uko kunoita kuti “bhizinesi semazuva ose” risanyanya kuitika.
Pane kunongedza zvigunwe, pamwe tose tinofanira kudzokera kumashure tofunga imwe nzira. Tiri pamwechete tiri kuita chimwe chinhu chinoumba mamiriro ekusanzwisisana uye kusawirirana pakati pevarume nevakadzi, zvichiita kuti vadzoke vachizvidzivirira muhunhu hwavo here?
Kana zvakadaro, tinogona here kuvhara mukaha, uye pamwe kuwana mibairo isingafungidzirwe nekugadziridzazve kuchinjana kwedu kwerudo? Pamwe Synergy lovemaking kufanira kuedza nokutendeseka? Tinogona kunge tichifuratira kiyi yekugara zvakanaka, kunzwa kwakadzikama kwekuzara, kuwedzera kuwirirana uye kuwedzera kuziva kwemweya.
Hezvino zvimwe zvidimbu kubva murondedzero, zvichiteverwa nedzimwe mhinduro dzevaverengi:
Nov. 11, 2023
NaAnna Louie Sussman
… ruzhinji rwevanyori vezvinyorwa nevanyori … vakakakavadzana pamusoro pekusimudzirwa nekukosheswa kwewanano, dzimwe nguva nekuda kwemufaro wese asi kazhinji nekuda kwekugara zvakanaka kwevana.
... Asi kutaurira vanhu kuti varoore kubva kumusoro kwenyanga dzenzou kunokundikana kupindirana nechokwadi pamusoro pechikonzero icho vakadzi vanoita zvepabonde kubva kune zvakasiyana-siyana vanotarisana nazvo: mamiriro evarume nhasi. …
Pazviitiko zvisingawanzoitiki kuti vakadzi vanonyatsobvunzwa nezvezviitiko zvavo nehukama, mhinduro dzacho hadzisi izvo chero munhu anoda kunzwa. Mukupera kwema1990, nyanzvi yezvemagariro evanhu Kathryn Edin naMaria Kefalas vakabvunzurudza vanaamai vasina varume 162 vanotambira mari shoma muCamden, NJ, uye Philadelphia kuti vanzwisise kuti nei vakaita vana vasina kuroorwa. “Mari haisiricho chikonzero chikuru” vanaamai vanoti havachagari navanababa vevana vavo. Panzvimbo pezvo, vanaamai vanonongedzera kumhosva dzakakomba zvikuru, Dr. Edin naDr. Kefalas, vanonyora. “Kushandiswa zvisina kufanira kwezvinodhaka nedoro, kupara mhosva uye kuiswa mujeri, kusavimbika kunoramba kuchiitika uye maitiro emhirizhonga yepedyo ndizvo zviri kuitika zvakanyanya munhoroondo dzaamai varombo dzekukundikana kweukama.”
Asi hazvitore hunhu hunokuvadza kuodza muchato; kazhinji, kugarisana kwakapfava kana kugara kwacho kunogona kunetsa. Ms. Camino, kana ariwo, akatanga kudanana nemumwe wake kubva paakaenda asi haasati asangana nemunhu anotevedzera tsika dzake, munhu anosetsa uye — anozeza kushandisa izwi rekuti “munhukadzi” — haasati achizongopeta maoko. maziso uye taura chimwe chinhu nezvekuve panguva yake yekutevera pese paanotaura maonero. …
Kubva kare vanhu vachikurudzira kuroorana, vanga vachionawo kuti murume akanaka anonetsa kuwana. (Ona: William Julius Wilson kana kutanga Nora Ephron.) Asi izvo zvakamborambwa sekunyunyuta kwevakadzi vanosarudza zvino zvinotsigirwa nedata re data. Mapundi mamwechetewo ari kubatanidza wanano anochemawo nedambudziko riri pakati pevarume nevakomana, izvo zvave kuzivikanwa sekuti varume vanotiza - varume vanosiya koreji, kusiya basa kana kutadza kuchengeta hutano hwavo. Mai Kearney, somuenzaniso, vanobvuma kuti kuvandudza mugariro woupfumi wavarume, zvikurukuru avo vasina madhigirii okukoreji, idanho rinokosha rokuvaita varoorani vanokwezva zvikuru.
Asi kunyangwe ichi nod inofuratira chimiro chechimiro chechiitiko chekupfimbana - chikamu chakaoma kuvhara muongororo kana kero nepolicy. Daniel Cox, mumwe mukuru weAmerican Enterprise Institute uyo achangobva kuongorora vanhu vanopfuura zviuru zvishanu vekuAmerica nezvekufambidzana uye kufambidzana, akawana kuti inoda kusvika hafu yevakadzi vakadzidza kukoreji vakati vaive vasina kuroora nekuti vainetseka kuwana munhu anoenderana nezvavanotarisira, zvichienderana nemumwe- chetatu chevarume. Kubvunzurudza kwakadzama, akadaro, "kwakatonyanya kuodza moyo." Nekuda kwezvikonzero zvakasiyana-siyana - mameseji akasanganiswa kubva kutsika yakafara pamusoro pekuoma uye kusagadzikana, maitiro-anonangana nekuita kwehushamwari hwechirume - zvinoita sekunge panguva iyo varume vanotanga kufambidzana, vanenge "vasina kukwana mukugona kwavo uye kuda kugutsikana zvizere. iripo uye iripo,” akadaro.
Kufambisa hukama pakati pevanhu munguva yekushanduka kwetsika uye zvinotarisirwa "zvinoda mwero wekunzwa pfungwa dzandinofunga kuti vamwe varume vangangove vasina, kana kuti havana ruzivo," akawedzera. …
Imwe shamwari yangu yakadaro, yandakadzidza nayo kukoreji, hapana chimwe chandaida kunze kwokuroorwa. Akanaka uye akabudirira uye kwete, sekutaura kwangu, anonyanya kusarudza. Akave nehukama hwenguva refu uye anokoshesa hukama hwepedyo nekugadzikana kwavanopa. Kuti izvozvo zviitike, anochengeta Post-it noti pabhodhi rezviziviso. Pairi, akadhirowa mitsetse gumi yemadenderedzwa gumi mumwe nemumwe. Pese paanoenda kunofambidzana nemumwe munhu mutsva, anozadza denderedzwa. Akazvipira kuenda kunoda kusvika zana apo achitsvaga murume wekufambidzana naye waanogona kuita mhuri naye. Mumakore maviri, anenge azadza hafu yemadenderedzwa, uye haasati aroora. Zvakafanana nefomu reSAT iro mhinduro dzese dzisina kunaka. Paanokumbira shamwari dzake dzechirume kuti dzimugadzirire neshamwari dzadzo, dzinogara dzichimuudza kuti hapana wavanoziva angamukwanira. "Zvakafanana, makadii zvenyu varume?" anoshamisika.
Kutaura chokwadi, varume vazhinji vanhu vakanaka uye vadyidzani, uye ndine chokwadi chekuti vakadzi vazhinji vanosemesa, vanotyisa kana kusaremekedza. Vazhinji vedu tinoziva varume vanotyisa ava - ishamwari dzedu, hama dzedu, vatinoshanda navo - uye tinoda kusangana nemunhu akafanana. Hukama chikamu chakakosha chehupenyu; ushamwari hwakanaka uye chishuwo chemunhu wenyama. Asi pane kunyomba vanhu (kunyanya vakadzi, kunyanya vanaamai vasina murume) kuti varoore vana, ko netsitsi shoma dzatiri kurarama panguva iyo masimba akasiyana ari kutamba akaita kuti hushamwari hune hunhu huve hwakaoma kuwana?…
TSAMBA
Hedzinoi dzimwe mhinduro dzevaverengi vachikurukura nezvechinyorwa chevaenzi pamusoro pekuti sei vakadzi vazhinji vasiri kuroorwa. Zvita 3, 2023
Maonero Akapinza Pakufambidzana uye Muchato Nhasi
Kumusidhari:
Re “Nei Vanhu Vakawanda Vasiri Kuroora? Bvunza Vakadzi Kuti Kufambidzana Kwakaita Sei,” naAnna Louie Sussman (Mafungiro echinyorwa chevaenzi, Mbudzi 25): Mushure mekuverenga chinyorwa ichi, ndakasvika ndiine manzwiro ekuti kazhinji nhasi, nzanga yedu inokurudzira kushungurudzwa. Vakadzi (nevarume) nhasi havafaniri kupomera varume kana kuti vakadzi nechisarudzo chavo chokusaroora.
Somurume ave akaroorwa kwemakore 45 nemukadzi mumwe chete, ndinoudza vaverengi vako zvinhu zvishoma: Hapana munhu akakwana, hupenyu huzere nezvinhu zvinoshamisa (zvakanaka nezvakaipa), uye kurega ndiyo sarudzo yako yekupedzisira, kwete yako yekutanga, saka tora mukana ushande pazviri.
Mudzimai wangu neni takaroorana tichiri vaduku, uye nokuberekwa kwomwanakomana wedu wokutanga, akaberekwa akaremara, tose takashanda zvakaoma muroorano uye tichiri kudaro.
Hupenyu hausi nyore kuvanhu vazhinji, uye kutora mukana chikamu chehupenyu hwekurarama. Kusundira mberi kana kuti kusazvipira muchato nemhaka yokusava nechokwadi kwokuwana wokuroorana naye “akakwana,” kuchengeteka mune zvemari, zvichingodaro, kunoparira matambudziko ako pachako, sezvinoita kubatana nomumwe munhu asina kukwana. Dzimwe nguva ndinoona sokuti vakadzi vanofanira kurega kupomera varume kuti ndivo vari kukonzera matambudziko ari munyika. Kwenguva yakareba varume nevakadzi vave vari pasi pano, vose vari vaviri varume nevakadzi vaifanira kushivirira misiyano yomumwe nomumwe, uye kune mienzaniso isingaperi yevatano inobudirira.
Tora mukana, nekunzwisisa kuti hakuna munhu akakwana, kukanganwira uye kukanganwa, uye kushanda nesimba muwanano - zvakakosha.
Jim Strauss
Waukee, Iowa
Kumusidhari:
Anna Louie Sussman anotsanangura zvakajeka mamiriro evakadzi vemazuva ano vasina kuroorwa muUnited States Ndakapedza makore angu makumi maviri muukama hwaifanirwa kuguma muwanano. Kana iyo yerudo + muchato + yevana equation haina kushanda, ndakazviwana ndisina kuroora uye ndichitsvaga.
Panguva yandakasvika makore angu ekupedzisira e30 newachi yangu yebhayorosi ichirira, ndakasangana nezvipingamupinyi zviviri: Varume vazhinji vasina kuroora vezera rangu zvino vakanga vachitsvaka mumwe munhu muduku, ane vimbiso yokubereka kukuru, uye ipapo kwakanga kune varume mukuvamba kwavo kusvika pakati. 40s, kubuda kubva mukuparadzana kwakaoma, kurambana uye hondo dzekuchengeta.
Ndakaedza kuenzanisa chimiro chemudzimai wenguva yemberi uye amai vekurera, asi pamwe ndakakundikana nekushingairira uye kusatombozviwana - kurera itsika isinganzwisisike. Pamakore 38 ndakasarudza kuva amai vasina murume nokuzvisarudzira uye ndakapedza makore angu 40 nezvinetso zvose zvenguva dzose zvokurera vana veboka repakati; musiyano waiva pakuti ndazviita ndega.
Ikozvino ndiri mumavambo angu 50s, ndadzokera mudziva rekupfimbana uye ndichiona kuti kusawirirana kuchiri kunditukana: Ndakanyanya kudzidza uye “zvakare” ndakabudirira (ndine Ph.D.)? Handina kuonda zvakakwana here? Ini handisi "kushanda" zvakakwana here kana munhu wese ari pamhepo achiita seanokwira, bhasikoro, kumhanya uye ski? Kuve "kusamboroorwa" iropa kwandiri here? Kuti ndiri mutorwa wekuIndia here?
Inzvimbo yezvimbambaira yevanogona kupaza madhiri ayo ini handifi ndakaziva mhinduro, asi chandinoziva ndeichi: Chizvarwa changu chevakadzi chingava chekutanga nenhamba yakakura kudaro kuti vasati varoora, uye hazvina kugara zvakadaro. kunze kwesarudzo.
Rajika Bhandari
Irvington, NY
Kumusidhari:
Ichi chinyorwa chakapa ongororo yakanaka kwazvo yemabasa evakadzi uye maonero emagariro ehukama hwemazuva ano. Chinhu chikuru mukubudirira kweroorano yangu yemakore 45 chakanga chiri chokuti mudzimai wangu akaroora mutsigiri wevakadzi.
Vakadzi vanofanira kufambidzana pachena uye zvakajeka "vanomiririra vakadzi" uye kwete kuva munhu "anozengurira kushandisa izwi." Vanobva vaziva kuti wavanoda kufambidzana naye anotsigira kodzero dzevakadzi nehukama hwakaenzana.
Somukwanyina anoshingaira anorwira vanhukadzi, ndinoita mabasa okuchengeta vana, ndinoita basa romumba (kuwacha mbatya nokusuka ndiro), uye ndinoonga mipiro yezvemari inoitwa nomudzimai wangu kuboka remhuri (inyanzvi inoshanda ine madhigirii maviri atenzi). Mukadzi wechokwadi wechikadzi anokurudzira huchenjeri uye kufambira mberi kwebasa mune wekufambidzana naye kana mukadzi uye haatyisidzirwe.
Mark Ondrake
Seattle
Kumusidhari:
Ichi chinyorwa chinoshamisa! Semukadzi asina kuroorwa ane makore makumi matatu nemasere ekuberekwa, ndinofara kuona mumwe munhu achitaura uye achisimbisa zvakaitika kwandiri uye kufunga kwekutora nhanho kubva mudzvinyiriro yemagariro etarisiro yekuroora uye kuve nemhuri yekukodzera semufaro, nhengo yenzanga ine utano.
Ropafadzo yechirume chena uye kushaikwa kwekuda kuzvipira kwakatekeshera munyika yekufambidzana zvekuti zvakangondisiya ndapererwa uye ndichifara kuramba ndisina kuroora. Handidi murume kuti afare, kana kuva mubereki akanaka.
Ndinovimba chete kuti varume vachaverenga chinyorwa uye kudzidza chimwe chinhu, zvakare.
Kristen Snow
Monticello, Areka.
Kumusidhari:
Tsvagiridzo inoratidza kuti vana vanoita zvirinani mumhuri dzine vabereki vaviri iri kubatanidza kuwirirana uye kukonzera. Vana vevakaroorana havasi nani nekuda kwewanano. Vari nani nekuti varume vanokodzera kuroorwa.
Kuroora murume anoshungurudza, asingabati basa kana kushandisa zvinodhaka hakugadzirisi hupenyu hwevana. Kuroora murume akamira newe achitsigira vana vake ndiko kunovandudza hupenyu hwevana. Uye kana vana vane rudzi rwababa vakadaro, ivo vachava vari nani, kana vaviri vacho vakaroorana kana kuti kwete. Haisi muchato, murume - kunyangwe muchichinjana mhete kana kwete.
Pandakava nemwanakomana wangu, akaremara zvikuru uye asina kusimba mune zvokurapa, ini nababa vake hatina kuroorana. Takanga tisina kuronga kugara tose, asi takaronga kugoverana mukuchengeta vana mudzimba mbiri. Apo mwanakomana wedu akaberekwa, zvakanga zviri pachena kuti aizoda kutarisirwa kukuru. Baba vake vakabva vangopinda, uye takachinjana kumubata iye achichema kwemaawa.
Hatina kuroorana kwemakore akawanda. Patakaita, yakanga iri yeinishuwarenzi youtano. Rudo nekuzvipira zvakanga zvavepo kwemakore panguva yatakachinja mamiriro edu emutero.
Michelle Noris
Queens
Kumusidhari:
Anna Louie Sussman haana kutaura manyepo esarudzo isingaperi iyo varume nevakadzi vanowana panzvimbo dzekufambidzana. Vanhu havadi kubvumirana pane zvisina kufanira nekuti vanofunga kuti pagara paine imwe tarisiro kumashure kweiyi. Uye mumwe. Uye mumwe. Ipfungwa yakaipa.
Bruce Sheiman
New York
Kumusidhari:
Ndinokutendai nechinyorwa ichi. Nekuda kwemaitiro edu etsika, vakadzi vazhinji (kana ini) ndinoshamisika: Ndini chete here? Imhosva yangu here iyi? Ndine makore 45 ekuberekwa, ndine masters degree uye ndave nemakore akawanda ndiri mutherapy. Varume vandakadanana navo vakaita sevachabata zvakanaka pakutanga (vakangwara, vanokurudzirwa, vanoremekedza), vakazongoburitsa nyaya dzavo. Izvi zvinosanganisira chidhakwa chakapfava, kubhowekana kubva kubasa kuenda kubasa, kushaikwa kwechinangwa, dzidziso dzekurangana vaccine, kutadza kuzvipira, kudzikisira uye kusakwanisa kuzembera kana zvinhu zvaoma.
Ichi chinyorwa chiyeuchidzo chinobatsira chekuti kunyange ndine nyaya dzangu dzekugadzirisa, matambudziko angu ekufambidzana chikamu chemaitiro ayo varume munyika ino vari kushaya rubatsiro rwemagariro evanhu vachiri vaduku kuti vave neunyanzvi hwepfungwa hunodiwa kuti ubudirire gare gare muupenyu. .
E. Ramos
Santa Fe, NM
Kumusidhari:
Munyori anoshandisa zvakasununguka mafungiro asina kunaka pamusoro pevarume izvo zvingakonzera kutsamwa kana mabasa akadzorerwa. Unogona here kufungidzira rondedzero yevaenzi ichiburitswa umo varume vakanyunyuta nezvekufambidzana nekuda kweakasiyana siyana misogynistic tropes?
Tony Bozanich
New York
