Seems like an easy choice, right? But remember biology is sneaky.
Taoist Secrets of Love: Cultivating Male Sexual Energy by Mantak Chia (and Michael Winn) was an inspiring first introduction to the wisdom of making love without striving for orgasm. In it, Chia, a neo-Taoist master, taught men another way to manage their sexual energy. Along the way, he revealed weaknesses in humanity’s current habits. His book helped many readers to become more fulfiled, safer lovers.
However, I eventually realised that there was an inherent inconsistency in Chia’s teachings. The mystical, merging experience, which he called the valley orgasm, is a state of not doing.
Yet puzzlingly, much of Chia’s book was about performance-oriented techniques, such as clenching teeth, buttocks and the muscles around the prostate gland, counting intercourse strokes, and so forth. These vigorous measures permit a skilled man to approach the edge of orgasm, and then maintain his control sufficiently to make love rather vigorously while deferring climax.
Wanderlust
Alas, some who experiment also report that this masterful lovemaking—which often produces lots of orgasms in partners, and lots of mini-orgasms (without ejaculation) in themselves—does not counter the Coolidge Effect. (humankind’s built-in lure of novel sex partners) Indeed, it may even strengthen it.
That is, although Chia’s performance-oriented, multi-orgasmic method doesn’t leave men as depleted as does regular ejaculatory sex—it also doesn’t do much to sustain their emotional bonds with a partner. I suspect that it also does not promote the idyllic valley orgasm experience.
Sadly, Chia himself experienced wanderlust. Two visitors to his centre in Thailand (one an insider) independently revealed that he left his wife of many years in pursuit of a young girl from the local village.
His behaviour is consistent with the Coolidge Effect. It’s quite inconsistent with the experience of merging deeply with a lover in a loving relationship as his book promises. Ideally, the valley orgasm produces sensations of wholeness or of melting the physical boundaries between lovers. And contentment over time.
In practice
Two men who experimented with Chia’s system for years shared their observations. One reports that he has no desire for a monogamous relationship, and resents his partners’ desire for one:
I now know how to have sex for hours without depletion. That gives me energy and stamina. I have always had the desire for lots of women. This is the way to accomplish that. … Each successive girlfriend would invariably request that I comply with an exclusivity clause, with a view towards long-term monogamy, which I couldn’t bring myself to agree to.
The other man has experimented both with Chia’s approach and with Synergy. He discovered that Synergy created different feelings from those he experienced using Chia’s practices.
For a long time I’d been doing Taoist-style sex with my wife with good results—using exercises, lovemaking techniques and energy visualizations. However, I decided to set it aside temporarily to learn more about Synergy. The first thing I noticed was that Synergy got the same results as my old Taoist practices. But Synergy required no specialized energy work. All I did was to remain nearly still while engaged in sex and breathed slow deep breaths. I did nothing else. Anyone could do Synergy. I soon started to sense another feeling that I didn’t recognize—a deep satisfying feeling. I guess it was the oxytocin, the cuddle hormone. It feels like peace and love all mixed up together—a sensation of being in love with life.
I thought about these contrasting experiences in light of bonding behaviours—the subconscious mammalian cues that produce emotional glue between mates. Putting it all together, I think that I can shed some constructive light on the differences between Chia’s lovemaking advice (with its promised mini-multiple orgasms) and the Synergy concept.
Two nervous-systems
To understand the difference, consider this short science lesson about our nervous system. The nerves that connect with organs and blood vessels (as opposed to muscles) are divided into two sets.
One set governs such activities as digestion, regeneration of the body, rest and sexual arousal. It is a relaxation response. Experts call it the “parasympathetic nervous system”. The other nervous system governs performance and fight-or-flight activity. It is labelled the “sympathetic nervous system”. Their names have nothing to do with emotions. They refer only to the alignment of these nerve sets in relation to the spine.
Chia’s vigorous, performance-oriented approach to lovemaking would be a function of the so-called sympathetic nervous system. So is ejaculation, by the way.
In contrast, the valley-orgasm experience seems to be a function of parasympathetic nervous system activity—or of an exquisite balance between the two systems. Interestingly, bonding behaviours also appear to produce parasympathetic responses (and more sustained levels of oxytocin).
In short, the body interprets bonding behaviours as signals for feeling safe and getting closer. Possibly the body does not construe performance-oriented lovemaking as a bonding signal, but rather as something more akin to a fight or flight activity or signal. The latter drive can produce orgasms without promoting sustainable feelings of safety and a desire to continue getting closer.
Too much of a good thing?
Intense arousal (which Chia’s performance-oriented techniques tend to induce) can lead to dopamine cycles of highs and subsequent lows even without conventional orgasm. Observant lovers may notice that intense arousal produces later emotional flatness. Or perhaps restless cravings in response to exciting cues like an erotic image or attractive body.
Sadly, these mood swings can actually tarnish our perception of our current partner. He or she may appear less interesting while a novel partner now appears irresistible. This is, of course, the Coolidge Effect. Scientists have observed it in all mammals tested, male and female.
In short, orgasms, multiple or otherwise, are not necessarily effective bonding behaviours. Oxytocin often surges briefly at orgasm, but human behaviour demonstrates that orgasm is not emotional glue. It can foster a temporary addiction between lovers, in which they look to each other for relief from post-orgasmic cravings and anxiety.
In any case, high dopamine can trigger unnaturally low dopamine sensitivity, which translates into feelings that may erode emotional bonds over time. Scientists believe that we need both oxytocin and dopamine at the right levels to keep our emotional bonds strong. For this reason, dopamine that drops after sexual satiation, or dopamine that remains too high and produces sexual frustration, can both create dissatisfaction and emotional distance.
Bonding behaviours (including gentle intercourse without intense arousal, i.e., Synergy) are a logical way to keep dopamine and oxytocin at healthy levels for sustaining emotional bonds.
No performance necessary
Often lovers think they can’t make love without some degree of sexual performance. However, unlike orgasm, sexual arousal is not a performance-oriented, sympathetic nervous system response. Arousal is a function of the parasympathetic nervous system. In other words, relaxation facilitates sexual arousal. Who knew? And for those who want to experiment with a 100% no-performance option, there’s always soft entry.
Perhaps this is why karezza authors Stockham and Lloyd both emphasize calm, relaxed intercourse, rather than performance-oriented intercourse. So did ancient Taoist master Lao Tzu:
Where ordinary intercourse is effortful, angelic cultivation is calm, relaxed, quiet, and natural.
This approach increases the harmony between partners. Adds Lao Tzu,
The result of this [practice] is improved health, harmonized emotions, the cessation of cravings and impulses, and, at the highest level, the transcendent integration of the entire energy body.
A man who practiced Synergy for over a decade, contributed this:
While I don’t think there is anything inherently wrong with using the [Chia] semen retention technique, it does imply an ejaculation-control approach to lovemaking. Ejaculation control is core to Taoist sexual practices, which is actually where I started. There was no information about Synergy at that time, and I merrily went along in ejaculation-control mode. At the time it was infinitely better than the conventional approach I was used to.
As time went by I realized I didn’t want to be in a “control” mode but rather in a “flow” mode. The control mode meant there was a build-up of tension, and I was preferring the relaxed state which didn’t require control.
The thing about ejaculation control is the focus on control. And the need for control is caused by a build-up of energy to the point where it needs to be controlled. I would say that I moved from ejaculation control to being non-ejaculatory. These are two very distinctly different body spaces. In the first one, the genitals tense up and require control (a state of effort). In the other, they stay relaxed and I’m more connected with my partner (a state of awareness).
Not a steppingstone
In a more recent book, Chia acknowledges three levels of sexual experience: genital orgasm, whole-body orgasm and soul orgasm. He teaches that his performance techniques, which produce mini-orgasms, can lead to whole-body orgasm. In contrast, the soul orgasm is not something that lovers can force with performance. It arises from exchanging energy and “fusing” with a partner.
The second man mentioned earlier opined that neither genital nor whole-body orgasms have anything to do with the “soul orgasm”. Whole-body orgasm just diverts of the usual genital orgasm, as follows:
The feeling of coming—ejaculation or female single orgasm—is caused by the accumulation of “too much” sex energy in the sex organs. Every time you feel you’re getting close to orgasm, you are to draw the sex energy up the spine and away from your sex organs. This relieves the urge to orgasm. It lets you start over in your climb to ecstasy, but not quite.
According to him, a whole-body orgasm is superior to the genital orgasm in that it’s less depleting. Yet it has little to do with “fusing” with a partner. It is not a steppingstone to the soul orgasm. He says it still leaves him with a desire to ejaculate…eventually.
This is in contrast with Synergy, which leaves him feeling satisfied with recurring feelings of bliss. These may arise even after intercourse, or without intercourse, simply through hugging or gazing into his wife’s eyes.
Intense (conventional) orgasmic experiences may lead to altered states. But they can also trigger subconscious hangovers that put stress on intimacy. Eventually they can promote stagnation or relationship friction.
So, conventional and even “whole-body” orgasmic approaches do not reliably deepen the emotional union between male and female. They may offer a glimpse of such union. But not a path to it.
Angelic dual cultivation
Lao Tzu wisely employed the term “angelic dual cultivation” instead of “soul orgasm”. The experience is one of being not doing, of merging with not doing to, and of relaxation not performance.
Without striving, lovers allow themselves to make love until they feel serenely content and fully nourished. Although blissful and deeply satisfying it is not orgasmic (or multi-orgasmic) in the conventional sense.
The body seems to register such an experience as a more profound bonding behaviour than either the performance-oriented genital orgasm, or its close relative, the whole-body orgasm. Perhaps this is because relaxed, transcendent experiences during lovemaking are a function of the parasympathetic nervous system (or a unique balanced state between the two systems, reflecting a special state of mind).
Remember, even if you forget the science, the key to slipping into blissful relaxation together is not doing. You can make ongoing union sweeter. Effortlessly.
Also of possible interest:
