Instruction manuals and articles today consistently advocate that women should go after one or two peak orgasms, however they can coax them…and be content. This is just bad advice.
And then there are the guys seeking to boost their own egos by making a woman explode over and over. This is an unfortunate situation.
It is far better to cultivate sustained arousal – to bring more heightened sexual energy into love play. This is what opens the flow of deep affection and loving kindness.
Goal-driven sex seems to be what mainstream sexperts generally see as the goal. It all sounds so reasonable…as if all sexual pleasure were as generic as water, and mutual satisfaction merely a mathematical equation of some kind. Unfortunately, this is a short-sighted point of view. Have these people ever made love?
Orgasm boring?
Paradoxically, over time (often a surprisingly short time), encouraging a woman to orgasm doesn’t actually make her want to continue to open up to her innate, natural desire for intimacy, pleasure and deeper union. As a female friend confessed, “I feel so bored with trying to stimulate my clit…BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!”
Our culture is settling for something that will never satisfy women (or men either). Indeed, as we’ve become more knowledgeable about how to produce orgasms in each other, rates of sexual intimacy are falling surprisingly rapidly.
The people who feel the insatiable need to keep pursuing peak orgasms don’t yet realize how frigging boring that really is. I feel sorry for them, but they are welcome to make their own choices. Their lovers will continue to “come and go.” My only goal is to share an alternative approach for those who sincerely want to explore it – and to provide encouragement.
Complete but not depleted
Most people who haven’t thought about it, or who have bought into the mainstream orgasm hypnosis, assume that to be aroused automatically implies that they have to finish with an orgasm. Many even believe that once they become aroused they can’t hold back. The sensations will inevitably sweep them away in a torrent of intense pleasure. It all stems from a belief that sexual energy must be consistently discharged.
Wrong!
But what if we begin to think about arousal itself as simply pure enjoyment, rather than a means to an end (climax)? Sustaining a heightened sense of “turn on” is surprisingly delicious. It is the fire-juice that brings true joy and excitement to one’s life.
After a period of this mutual heightened pleasure something unexpected happens…but we must be willing to allow it. Both partners feel fed rather than frustrated. They feel complete, and not depleted. Sexual frustration completely evaporates. And often a sense of playful, sensual “electricity” infuses the relationship even outside the bedroom. It’s what I call being a “turned on” human being.
We all need to recognize that sustaining the sensation of feeling “turned on” is a good thing. And that its benefits extend throughout all aspects of daily life. It heightens our enthusiasm for life and gives us extra energy for other activities.
Become a karezza ninja
Once partners accept that sustaining arousal is the goal, the challenge shifts to “how to experience and maintain a blissful exchange without going over The Edge”. To make sustainable progress lovers inevitably need to let go of goal-oriented, driven sex.
When a man learns to control himself, he can move slowly, sensually and avoid ejaculation. In this way, the woman can feel the man’s pure sexual energy directly, usually without fear of him losing control and ending their pleasure. And if she is also willing to avoid peak orgasm, she can relax totally and ride the wave of arousal longer and more deeply instead of rushing toward a finish line.
In the end, I think what frustrates women is when the guy isn’t reliable enough. When he can’t hold the space to gently ignite her with long and SLOW, passionate, focused attention, it can be disheartening. A woman on r/karezza wrote:
I prefer a longer, stiller experience because that way I become very wet and can enjoy fun games and more subtle experiences with my partner. When he tries to be more passionate and heat me up it almost always ends badly and puts me off making love with him because he is not as reliable as I need him to be as regards energy exchange.
A woman finds it difficult to access or open to her natural, innate desire for intimacy unless she has time to absorb the sensations in her body. She should never be rushed along through a windstorm, or driven to reach The Finish Line. (If she’s in sexual lockdown, or having trouble becoming aroused, try using your “wand” in a new way.)
Become a sacred lover who embodies the skill of engaging in sexual pleasure without being tempted to fall off the climax cliff. Stick to playful, naked snuggling and caring touch without deliberate attempts to forcefully heat each other up. Comfort each other with sexual nurturing. Once you both feel in balance, relaxed and “fed”, it’s safe to connect genitals without exploding. The man is the sender of this beautiful sexual energy.
Awakening from orgasm hypnosis
Here’s what another woman friend who is exploring karezza said,
My partner and I have lately been trying both karezza and orgasmic sex.
For the first time in my life, I’m feeling ready to let go of the orgasm agenda. I thought I was there before, but it wasn’t a whole-self knowing. I feel inspired to go in the direction of slower, letting spirit lead, not a drive for pleasure or finish. Sure, if our bodies move in certain ways, that can be sweet and fun…this is not about oppression. But I’m getting more and more curious about something deeper, more satisfying, than the “big bang.” I hope he does too.
Lovemaking without the goal or climax makes possible deep satisfaction, but you will only believe it if you experience it for yourself.
Arousal and loving energy are gifts to be honoured. The fact is, orgasm always stops that flow. Who needs it?
