Sexology researchers dub the difference in rates of orgasm between heterosexual partners “the orgasm gap”. They have decreed that it is a problem in search of solution that produces more orgasms for women.
Yet what if partners approach sex in a way that satisfies both without orgasm? Then this “gap” disappears entirely taking all climax-related distress with it.
Such an approach to mutual satisfaction may seem like an unrealistic goal in today’s orgasm-driven culture. However, various observers throughout history have concluded that while intercourse is health-giving, pursuit of orgasm itself does not promote harmony or fulfilment.
In fact, some have warned that pursuit of climax can lead to habituation, dissatisfaction and the search for increasing levels of stimulation – often via novel partners. In short, conventional sex, with its emphasis on supplying and achieving orgasms, tends to produce an “intimacy gap” as time passes. We have our genetic programming to thank for this sorry outcome.
Sexual activity is clearly good for us, but there’s scant scientific evidence that it is orgasm that explains sex’s benefits. If orgasm were the key, porn addicts would be the happiest, healthiest inhabitants of the planet. Rather, sex’s most potent gifts likely arise from mutual magnetism, trusted companionship and affectionate touch.
We create the “problem” with our beliefs
The Buddha taught that all suffering arises from desire, and never was this maxim more apt than here. If you choose to believe that more orgasms for you or your partner, or both, are vital to your happiness, you will of course conclude that you are being cheated if they are not forthcoming. You will desire them, and you will suffer when this desire is not met.
Yet your desire arises only from a “story” you are telling yourself – with the loud insistence of today’s sexperts. Suppose instead that you tell yourselves that deep fulfilment and relationship harmony can be found via sex without the goal of orgasm. Next, imagine that you experiment with open minds. Amazingly, you find this new story to be true!
Voilà! You’ve shed a desire. All suffering from this particular source evaporates. Buddha would commend you.
Nor are you alone. Other couples have willingly experimented with this unfamiliar approach. You can read their accounts here. (Keep in mind that if either of you has been orgasming frequently, you may require a period of adjustment.)
Be bold
It takes courage and willingness to experiment with an unfamiliar approach to sex. After all, the primitive appetites embedded in our limbic brains evolved to push us to propel our genes into the future with diverse partners.
Yet it’s an experiment worth making. After all, if you don’t like the results, you can return to conventional sex…and bemoan both the “orgasm gap” and the “intimacy gap”.
Be bold. Try a month with lots of naked snuggling and slow intercourse without climax (twice a week is good). See what you notice. Incidentally, if intercourse isn’t an option, almost daily naked snuggling will serve. Motionless intercourse is also a powerful option. (Skip the self-love during your experiment.)
One day, when you hear the words “orgasm gap” you may simply smile knowingly at each other, “Gap? What gap?”
