So, you want to try Synergy? Passing up orgasm without substituting lots of affectionate nurturing (bonding behaviours) would be like deciding to lose 20 unwanted pounds by ceasing to eat. Just as you need to eat, you need the nourishment of love and affection – especially if you want to change the way you make love.
Yet if you just follow your loving instincts, biology’s agenda will soon dominate your love life. Therefore, sidestepping the roller coaster ride of orgasm-followed-by-emotional-separation calls for a strategy. Without such a strategy, you will veer in one of two directions: the ‘escalating cravings for satiety’ path, or the ‘can’t often be bothered’ path. If you were to eat in either of these ways, serious problems would arise. Balance is the key.
If you would like to move toward the middle path of affectionate, unselfish lovemaking, set aside time to snuggle, kiss, touch, caress – without a goal of intercourse or heated foreplay. Amazingly, this strategy effortlessly reprogrammes your response to sexual intimacy, perhaps by helping you to sustain ideal levels of oxytocin (the ‘cuddle hormone’). It calms and energises, reduces cravings, and creates heart-warming, gushy feelings.
“But what do we do?”
If you’re feeling at a loss, shift your focus to playful, undemanding activities that the two of you can do together. Download a collection (PDF) that can keep you inspired for at least a month (en français: ActivitesDeConnexion). Included are activities such as these:
Gently, affectionately undress each other to whatever extent desired with lots of kisses. Lie quietly, skin-to-skin, for at least five minutes.
Lie on your backs and place the hand nearest your sweetheart over his/her genitals. Without moving your hand, send loving energy to your partner through your hand with each out-breath. With each in-breath, imagine it returning through your partner’s hand, until you are both completely relaxed.
Sit across from each other, hold hands, and look into each other’s eyes for several minutes, until one of you squeezes the other’s hands. Now, tell your partner something you really like about him/her.
If you’re feeling livelier, try other activities.
Stand facing each other. One partner is the sculptor. With eyes closed, touch each part of your sweetheart with strokes, as if moulding the world’s most loving partner out of clay. Pause and relax with a long hug. Switch roles.
Standing, let yourself fall backward into the arms of your partner. Repeat a few times. Trade places. Next, lie quietly holding hands and silently take a moment to think of a reason you are grateful to have your partner in your life. Share it if you like.
You are a musician; your partner is your instrument. Tap, fiddle, rub and caress to the music you hear in your head (or ears). If you have time, ask your partner to roll over and play your second selection. Relax together. Switch roles.
There is a playful quality to all of these activities. If you try them, you will probably do a lot of giggling. You may once again feel like a teenager in love. Avoid judging them before you try them.
The icy reality
If you need more motivation to give them a try, consider this: Emotional bonds between lovers use the same brain mechanism (and neurochemicals) as the bonds between infant and caregiver. The exchange of cues, such as eye contact, skin-to-skin contact, smiling, kissing, sucking and comforting touch awaken and sustain the desire to stay bonded emotionally.
Obviously, these cues take slightly different forms between lovers, but you can spot the parallels. Think of those special smiles and lingering kisses you once exchanged with your beloved! Sadly, lovers tend to drift away from consistent use of these cues – especially during the days or weeks following sexual satiation.
Scientists consider lovers’ bonds to be an exaptation, or secondary, use of our innate mammalian bonding programme. It looks like we evolved to treat emotional bonds between lovers as a temporary priority in intimate relationships. Our genes appear to be best served by emotional bonds that encourage both parents to team up for long enough to contribute to their child’s survival.
Thereafter, in Mother Nature’s heartless view, it is ideal if the parents eventually grow apart, and one or both add some sexual activity on the side. Straying improves the genetic variety of our offspring, and thus our genes’ chances of making it into the future. In the process, however, the unravelling of romance typically creates much misery – and aching distrust. Nor is it ideal for offspring like ours, who benefit from two long-term caregivers.
Thus, your genetic ‘software’ certainly urges you to fall in love. But it doesn’t give a rat’s…rear end about fidelity, happiness or lifelong companionship. Grim, isn’t it?
Hacking your biology
At this point in your life perhaps you have bounced around enough on biology’s painful plan. You do place a high priority on relationship treasures. The good news is that you can hack your genetic programming to maintain those treasures.
The process isn’t automatic. You have to activate and sustain the urge to stay bonded by employing certain types of cues referred to here as ‘bonding behaviours’. Otherwise, your bond grows dormant. That’s where these simple activities come in to play.
Bonding behaviours are also good ‘first-aid’ if you have drifted back into self-centred, hungry touch. Simply stop and do a few days of bonding behaviours alone. Feed your mammalian brains the signals to strengthen your bonds again, using generous affection.
The desire for, and rewards of, these behaviours are deeply rooted in millions of year of evolution. Enjoy!
