Not long ago, an interesting discussion took place on a forum that invites insights about a version of Synergy lovemaking known as ‘karezza’. A woman asked,
Can anyone give detailed technical advice on how females can avoid orgasm during penetrative sex? All the advice online seems to be geared towards males.
A 19-year old woman who had 9 months of experience with the practice replied:
Here’s what works for me and my boyfriend:
Mindfulness and distraction:
Focusing on something else can be really helpful. Sometimes I’ll think about my to-do list or something mundane to keep my mind off the sensations.
Change positions:
Some positions are more stimulating than others. If you feel like you’re getting close, try switching to a position that’s less intense for you. For me, missionary can be more stimulating, so sometimes we switch to spooning or something slower.
Control the pace:
Take charge of the pace and depth. If he’s going too fast or too deep, slow it down or guide him to a rhythm that helps you stay in control.
Communicate:
Don’t be afraid to let your partner know what you need. If you feel like you’re getting close, tell him. He can adjust his movements to help you stay in control.
Focus on his pleasure:
Sometimes, focusing on your partner’s pleasure can help. Watching him enjoy himself can be a great distraction and takes some of the focus off of your own sensations. [So can soothing him with affectionate touch. Take care that you don’t drive him to climax just to gratify yourself.]
Unwelcome truth
Another forum member remarked that Eastern traditions of karezza-style sex have often declined to acknowledge that orgasm can have hidden costs for women. Sometimes this was done for selfish reasons. In fact, some Chinese promoted sexual ‘vampirism’ in which men were advised to retain their sexual energy while stimulating sexual arousal in women as a strategy for empowering the men. (Some women employed the reverse stratagem.) Such selfishness ultimately reaps its own reward.
The belief that orgasm is just fine for women seems plausible to the average person because, in women, the unpleasant aftereffects of climax are more often delayed than they are in men. The delay can make it more difficult to link cause with effect, leaving women (and their partners) susceptible to self-delusion and misinformation. This woman’s experience was interesting:
That time delay factor [after orgasm] probably does play a role. Interestingly, one of my male partners was of the same mould… about 5 hours for him, 6-7 for me before nasty fallout would hit. Until then, we both felt incredibly intense bonding. But alas, the pendulum always would swing back very hard.
Of course, women’s orgasms are a turn-on for their partners. So, men would like to believe that women should orgasm as much as possible.
And so would women! The book Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow: From Habit to Harmony in Sexual Relationships contains a humorous account of two women figuring out the unwelcome costs of women’s orgasms for themselves.
Interestingly, there were ancient Chinese treatises that acknowledged that orgasm drains women. See The Art of the Bedchamber by Douglas Wile PhD.
Breathing
Focusing on long exhales of breath helps me not go over the edge. Especially starting the exhale before a surge starts building, so it doesn’t continue into the start of the rhythmic contractions/PONR [point of no return] for me.
I consciously don’t let my breathing become erratic or hold it in, which I otherwise would [during conventional sex]. This helps me the most, along with short pauses when either of us need it.
Syncing my exhales with my husband’s long exhales can help the energy pass back and forth with neither of us finishing. It is very bonding. Combining this with a lot of eye contact is very ‘nourishing’.
Another forum member shared a traditional breath retention technique for controlling sexual desire:
One of the simplest and most effective breathing techniques for improving sexual self-control is the ancient practice sometimes called Kumbhaka (“breath retention”) from India. It’s wise to practice this technique outside the bedroom before you try it during sex.
Breath retention
- Take up to 20 deeper breaths than normal, through your nose if possible.
- Hold your breath at the top of your inhale, and hold it at the bottom of your exhale.
- 3-second holds are sufficient.
- If this is uncomfortable at first, simply breathe more deeply and slowly.
Start with just a few controlled breaths, and build up over time. This practice should feel soothing not forced. It subtly helps master desire.
Partner choice
Ultimately women are ineluctably the receptive force in sexual union. Therefore, partner choice plays a critical role. Women need to choose partners who have integrity.
Such partners respond instantly to women’s signals to slow down or stop. Taps or other wordless signals tend to work best.
Partners need to ignore the biological instinct to push their partners to higher levels of arousal for their own gratification. Partners can also help by relaxing into stillness in a comfortable position whenever they sense either or both of them risks being swept away.
As another forum member observed, “It only seems difficult because by nature we are geared towards putting too much effort into sex”. So, sit back relax and enjoy the flight.
