Synergy takes some getting used to. For one thing, the ideal mindset for the practice is quite different from the default mindset during conventional sex.
Instead of grabbing for your favourite “goodies” in terms of sexual pleasure, you focus on giving nurturing affection to your partner in the way you sense your partner would like to receive it in the moment. This means you have to forget what you learned in Sexology 101, and trust your intuition as you stay attuned to your partner’s subtle responses.
This becomes effortless as you get used to having no specific goal for your lovemaking and staying in the present. Begin with this unstructured flow back and forth between you. Gradually it becomes mutual. Relax totally, especially during periods of stillness.
Stillness
In moments of stillness, focus on the sensations you are experiencing within. At first, when you are not giving or receiving physical stimulation you may think you feel nothing. But explore stillness anyway. Keep an open mind.
During future sessions continue to experiment with stillness. Do you feel a sense of quiet exultation? A sense of merging with your partner? A sense that you are receiving some form of energetic “nourishment” from your partner? Or?
Sink as deeply as you can into whatever you feel during those periods. You may benefit from trying the “Eye of the Hurricane” meditation, reproduced below.
Receive gratefully
Continue to resist the urge to manipulate your partner to provide more of whatever stimulation you find especially pleasurable. Instead, accept the gifts of affection that you receive with gratitude. Enjoy them as they are, even if you thought you wanted something else.
If you catch yourself attempting to urge your partner to do more stimulation of some type, stop. That is your cue to focus on what you sense your partner would find deeply satisfying…even if it’s simply a silent, lingering hug in their favourite position.
With time, you are likely to find you feel completely “fed” by the encounter no matter how tame the exchange. In fact, you may gradually discover that less is indeed more.
“Eye of the Hurricane”
Those who find stillness challenging may wish to explore the “Eye of the Hurricane” meditation, reproduced here:
- Set aside at least 30 minutes. If you like music, choose something peaceful.
- Gather as many pillows as you are likely to need.
- Remove your clothing and slip into bed with your partner.
- Position yourselves in an ultra-comfortable position such as scissors or bridge. Take your time settling in, using your extra pillows to get comfortable in a position where you can rest without moving (unless you become uncomfortable). You may be almost at right angles to each other. Once settled, keep your genitals pressed gently together.
- Do not enter your partner, but it is fine to place the head of the penis at the entrance to the vagina. It doesn’t matter if you have an erection or not.
- Some affectionate touch is fine, but the goal is to relax together rather than perform or pursue arousal.
- Next, imagine that you are floating together in the eye of a hurricane where all is calm. It is beyond your power to influence anything outside of the 360-degree barrier created by the storm.
- Notice any streaming sensations of pleasure. Don’t be concerned if you don’t sense anything (especially at first). You’re still benefiting from the intimacy of the practice.
- If you find yourself squirming, pushing, moaning, panting or fantasising, relax and return to your “Eye” visualisation.
- Remain in position until one of you calls a halt (preferably after at least 20 minutes).
- Cuddle.
- Either go to sleep, or rise and enjoy the rest of your day.
If for any reason “scissors” is uncomfortable for you or your partner, you may palm or hold each other’s genitals instead. Either practice can be a good way to start your day, or end it before falling asleep.
