You’re finished…but your brain has just begun.
Orgasm feels great. If climax were the end of the story, lovers would project the good feelings generated in the bedroom onto one another—and effortlessly adore each other forever. Few do.
One challenge is that orgasm—especially that “I’m definitely done!” feeling after sex—isn’t an isolated event. It’s the beginning of a much longer cycle, which often includes subconscious neurochemical signals of discontent that tarnish lovers’ perceptions of each other. Consider this verse from the ancient Greek Anthology. Long ago, it captured the essence of the Coolidge Effect:
Once plighted, no men would go whoring.
They’d stay with the one they adore,
If women were half as alluring
After the act as before!
Remember the work of Masters & Johnson? If so, you probably think of the “cycle of orgasm” as a brief series of observable genital events: arousal, plateau, climax and refractory period. The experience of orgasm, however, is produced in a primitive part of the brain. Without these neurochemical fireworks, the Big “O” wouldn’t feel like an orgasm regardless of events in your genitals.
Why care?
Let’s say you’re not trying to patent the next billion-dollar sexual enhancement drug. Why then do you care about the neurochemical aspects of orgasm? Here are two reasons:
- Neurochemical events can have powerful effects on your behaviour, mood and perceptions without your awareness. You probably don’t think of sexual arousal as correlating with rising dopamine. Or orgasm as equating with surges of endorphins, adrenaline and so forth. Chances are you also don’t think of your feelings over the days after orgasm as being linked to a cascade of neurochemical events. (These include fluctuating dopamine and prolactin levels, testosterone receptor declines, and so on.)
- There is growing evidence that this complex neurochemical sequence after orgasm is longer than the easily observed physical events after climax. Some people report that it continues for as long as two weeks after they roll over and snore, or look around for more. During this slow, somewhat erratic, return to neurochemical homeostasis after orgasm, it’s not unusual to experience intermittent sensations of lack, neediness, irritability, intense horniness and so forth. Of course, most people climax again before the brain brings itself back to homeostasis. Interestingly, evidence suggests that the more thoroughly lovers sexually satiate themselves—that is, the more intense or numerous their orgasms—the more acute the overall aftereffects on their outlook. For example, it has been observed that the more orgasms women have over a 30-day period, the more unattractive they perceive pictures of unknown men.
The point is that orgasm may innocently be influencing subsequent moods, cravings, choices, and perceptions. And perhaps for longer than anyone would presume possible. This hidden cycle and the subtle feelings it brings up are likely to contribute to the Coolidge Effect. Scientists already know that, after sex, dropping dopamine (the signal for “this feels less rewarding”) plays a role in habituation between mates. Just as a spike of dopamine (“rewarding!”) can drive attraction to novel partners.
Escalation risk
Another consequence of the hidden phase of orgasm is the risk of getting caught up in an escalating cycle. People may seek more, and more intense, sexual stimulation to “medicate” the lows in the sequence. But even if lovers elude this risk (lots of daily affection helps, for example), this hidden cycle may produce unpleasant ripples in the harmony of relationships.
Let’s say your neurochemistry hasn’t yet bounced back to equilibrium after the great sex you had on the weekend. It’s normal to project your subconscious mating-induced feelings onto your mate. So, now you may convince yourself that you would feel just fine if only your mate would, for example, show some appreciation for all you do. Or engage in more of your preferred foreplay. Or simply put the cap back on the toothpaste tube! Or perhaps you find the thought of a novel partner (even a two-dimensional one) unusually enticing. As these feelings recur week after week, you may even wonder if you should have married that other person. You know, the one who realised how wonderful you are.
Why would lovers’ perception shift for the worse as they satiate themselves sexually? To improve the odds that humans will not go extinct. Inclinations that tend to pass on more genes are conserved. Maybe annoyance in our love lives, resulting in either more fooling around on the side or serial romances, is an ideal scenario for our genes, despite their high costs to us and our families. (Remember, we evolved in tribes, where romantic turnover would have been less harmful to kids.)
Instead of moving to a novel mate, many of us cope with this programmed restlessness in other ways. When your dopamine is low (as can happen from time to time during the post-orgasm cycle), you may feel like…well…like something is missing. Even if you can’t put your finger on what it is. Perhaps you console yourself with some self-indulgent spending. Or too many drinks with pals. Or mindlessly scrolling Youtube and/or a bag of Cheetos. Such things automatically reward you with brief surges of dopamine – as you anticipate feeling satisfied (whether or not you actually will). Such activities are especially seductive when you’re feeling flat for reasons you can’t fathom.
Experiment, experiment, experiment
It’s rare for people to see the truth of this underlying cycle’s influence on their lives until they experiment. However, observant couples can often spot its effects after the honeymoon “booster shot” wears off. To make your own experiment, make love for several weeks using a technique like Synergy (lots of bonding behaviours without the goal of orgasm. When orgasm eventually happens compare how you feel over the following days.
During the first part of the experiment lovers often grow more sensitive to playful affection, snuggling or gentle intercourse. While experimenting, one husband remarked, “Our kissing reminds me of my first teenage kisses.” Eight years later, he interpreted those same feelings as “I haven’t fertilized you yet, so my limbic system is still enchanted”. No fertilization attempt; no Coolidge Effect. And his wife continued to look cute (at least to him).
After orgasm, however, there tends to be a subtle shift. Here’s what another husband observed (who had previously insisted that he experienced no fallout after orgasm):
Things have been good between my wife and me recently (lots of bonding behaviours and increased closeness). But about 12 hours after a night of great lovemaking, I’m feeling really needy around sex. I HATE that feeling. It is so energy depleting, worse than being sick. Only later did I realise, “Okay, THAT’S what this neurochemical cycle does”.
It makes a ton of difference to know what’s really going on. I can totally see how this feeling would affect a relationship, particularly if one person felt it while the other didn’t, or if they felt it at different times. The touch of a needy person is so different, and quite possibly the opposite of sexy for their partner, and it’s so hard NOT to project the feelings onto your partner. “Why doesn’t she want to meet my needs”?
The truth is that no partner can fully meet a need that arises from a neurochemically induced feeling of lack. No wonder it sometimes seems that we just can’t please our mate no matter how hard we try. Or how much Viagra we invest in. Or how many orgasms we deliver.
Mileage varies
Every recovery cycle is unique, which also contributes to couples’ sex drives going out of sync. Often, men roll over and snore—and then over the days following experience some irritability or brain fog (forgetting to take out the trash, perhaps). At the same time, they may feel unusually horny or otherwise dissatisfied.
Orgasm catches up with women, too. Said one woman, “After three orgasms last night, in which my man was delighted to be affirmed of his stamina, I feel grumpy, guarded, and as snappy as an alligator”. Others notice (or, at least their mates notice) more mood swings in the second week. Perhaps they tend to become judgmental and sharp of tongue, or vaguely annoyed for no good reason.
Despite the glories of orgasm, and the many benefits of close, affectionate contact during intercourse, this hidden cycle after orgasm can evoke surprisingly powerful mood changes. Most lovers haven’t been connecting them with the Big “O”. That may be changing. For example, psychiatrist Richard Friedman demonstrated that neurochemicals kicked in by orgasm, are apparently behind the depression and irritability of some patients, even those with no sexual hang-ups. When he gave SSRIs to suppress the intensity of his patients’ sexual response, their symptoms promptly disappeared. (Even before the drugs would have influenced emotional disorders.)
Could more subtle versions of these neurochemical effects be at work in lovers, clouding the sunny skies of their romances? Perhaps striving for balance in our sex lives by adding to our lovemaking repertoire is more beneficial than we’ve realised.
