“Handriding” is a technique recommended in a sexual therapy book called Sensate Focus in Sex Therapy by Weiner and Avery-Clark. However, any lovers can employ it to advantage. In fact, this non-verbal way of gently communicating and encouraging exploration lends itself deliciously to relaxed Synergy-style lovemaking, which emphasises touch-laden bonding behaviours and non-verbal expressions of pleasure and contentment.
Let’s say your lover slips into old habits and you can feel him or her sliding toward performance-oriented touch. Alternatively, let’s say some particular type of touch brings up old memories that you aren’t yet ready to process, or that you need stillness to process. Or, what if your lover happens to touch you in a way that is distractingly ticklish?
It’s nice to be able to address such situations non-verbally. That way you don’t have to break the mood or shift gears in order to frame a verbal request.
Handriding
Authors Weiner and Avery-Clark distinguish between two kinds of handriding. The first is used if the lover being touched finds anything the toucher is doing anxiety-producing, emotionally or physically uncomfortable, overly goal-oriented, too rapid, ticklish, or simply too distracting.
In this situation, the touchee simply places a hand either over the hand of the toucher, as shown in the drawing (from p. 48 of Sensate Focus), or underneath the toucher’s hand–fingers laced. Then the partner being touched moves the toucher’s hand away from the area that is producing discomfort, or slows the toucher’s speed.
The person being touched continues to keep their hand on the other’s hand for a few seconds, and then releases it. The toucher can then get on with touching…unless the handrider has signalled a need for stillness.
Advantages? Handriding briefly returns a sense of control to the touchee, so they needn’t “grin and bear” any distressing touch. Better yet, it liberates the toucher from having to mind-read a partner’s preferences. Handriding gently informs the toucher without the need for words.
Positive Handriding
In this variation, the partner being touched uses handriding to suggest other areas the toucher might want to explore by moving their partner’s hand in another direction. At the same time the touchee can demonstrate interest in being touched with a firmer or lighter pressure, or with a different motion.
Again, this gentle feedback makes words unnecessary and gives the toucher permission to expand their touch repertoire in a direction their lover might find interesting. Ideally this communication and resulting exploration take place without either partner shifting into goal-oriented lovemaking or attempting to force specific responses.
A gift
Handriding is a gift to lovers. The toucher, knowing that their partner will signal distress or interest, can explore more freely. Together, handriding and positive handriding foster a positive feedback loop of trust. They show the toucher that the touchee trusts them enough to share critical information. This frees the other partner to do the same.
According to authors Weiner and Avery-Clark, this non-verbal communication is especially critical in cases of low desire and sexual trauma, where partners must perceive themselves as having more control over touching than may be the case for others.
