I don’t know about you, but in my head I’m about 21, despite the evidence in the mirror. I think it’s common to continue to see the world in many ways through the eyes of our younger selves. That includes feeling attracted to people and perhaps wanting to have some kind of relationship with them. The desire to connect is always there even if it’s hidden at times. If loneliness has ever driven us to make mistakes that we regret or just felt disappointed in a relationship, we may opt for isolation instead. And that is unhealthy for pair-bonding, social animals like humans. Time to learn about being a sexy senior.

But there is a lot of fear around beginning a new relationship. We don’t want to make fools of ourselves.

What is a wannabe sexy senior to do? I’m going to suggest two ideas that can help us be sexy seniors and not silly old fools.

Easygoing intimacy

The first idea is a little known, but wonderful, ancient practice called many things including “karezza“. That term was first coined in the late 19th century by an American Quaker and medical doctor called Alice Bunker Stockham. She wrote a book of that name.

Karezza, or as I like to call it, Synergy, is perfect for those of us in the autumn years of life who still have some sparkle and want to exchange it with a significant other.

Right away, you might be thinking, “What if I don’t have a significant other?” Well, knowledge of this practice and a willingness to try it may actually work to help you to find a potential partner.

I know this from my own experience. Sex is relatively easy, but intimacy and a willingness to be vulnerable especially within an older body, takes more courage.

The practice is also relevant for those in a long term relationship where stagnation, emotional or sexual, has slowly crept in. This is a way to gently rekindle that old magnetism.

A word of encouragement for singles: When you set the intention to find someone and be courageous, coming from the heart, the universe conspires to bring someone into your orbit. Then it’s up to you to be willing to try this. It’s not always someone whom you would conventionally consider “the one”. It might be someone older, or younger, of a different race, physically impaired and so on. It doesn’t matter so long as they are alive and are willing to try this selfless practice. You can be a sexy senior at any age or stage in your later life.

Inner guidance

To save you making eyes at the first person you see, I’m going to introduce you to the second idea that helps reduce the fear of those who have been hesitant to pursue a relationship.

For over 30 years I have used an oracle. It’s the I Ching, the oracle favoured by Carl Jung.

In this situation, I would ask the oracle if a given person that I’ve just met or already know, is the right one for me at this time. Tip: You probably want someone who is actually free to have a relationship with you rather than your favourite film star for example. Or your best friend’s charming partner who keeps telling you how wonderful you are.

Many years ago, a potential boyfriend, a Chinese Canadian friend, said he was interested in trying karezza but wanted to check with the I Ching first. Great, I thought. He received not one, not two, but three messages in a row that ‘clearly’ indicated that I was the right partner for him at that time. However, his levels of fear were too high. Besides he liked to be in control, so seeking inner guidance – even his own – made him doubt he was in control. So, nothing ever came of it despite his oracle readings. This practice rests on true consensus. Partners must share the intention to be in a loving relationship driven by spirit rather than the ego.

You can trust the universe that the right person will appear, although its timing may not be yours! But definitely check with your favourite oracle first. Like No. 23 buses, there’s always another potential partner around the corner once you’ve set your intention to open to one.

What is the practice?

The word ‘karezza’ comes from the Italian for “caress” and, as its name suggests, is a gentle form of lovemaking. It’s not foreplay with a view to heating someone up, or grabby-hungry touch, but a form of nurturing, much as a loving parent might coddle a precious child. Likewise, Synergy means that the sum of the two integrated partners is greater than the sum of the parts. Something alchemical takes place as the two melt together.

The practice itself typically involves a man and a woman, snuggling naked, with or without actual penetration. Of course, partners needn’t be naked. Affectionate snuggling lets you gaze into each other’s eyes. That is very intimate. The blending of partners’ energies creates balance and a sense of completeness. That, in turn, improves wellbeing at the mental, physical and spiritual levels. You are not seeking for orgasm at any stage, instead just calm relaxation in each other’s arms.

You start to see the true, inner spirit of your partner, not their irritating, external flaws. (And vice versa.) You find that everyday problems often melt away as you find reasonable or inspired solutions to them.

Above all, being complete creates a sense of abundance in you, irrespective of your actual financial state. You attract it too in various ways. Perhaps someone gives you free tickets to a show you wanted to attend, or you get a job opportunity that seemed unlikely, or maybe you choose to live together and share tasks. This sense of abundance allows you to feel empowered as an embodied spiritual being, not a hapless victim of circumstances.

The ancient Chinese used to prescribe their version of this Synergy practice as medicine. Imagine that. Time in bed with your beloved rather than a course of pills! The Chinese also regarded it as an elixir for rejuvenation and longevity. That’s because Synergy is a natural and sustainable de-stressor. We don’t need the transhumanism that appears to be all the rage in Silicon Valley today where tech billionaires are looking for a mechanical “fix” for their ageing minds and bodies.


Of course, many people have been hurt by previous relationships and are unwilling to try again. Or perhaps they have a deep fear of intimacy. But I would suggest that this gentle practice, a sacred form of sexual embrace, is both deeply healing and actually fun.

The key ingredient is the exchange of energy with our partner. This helps nurture and balance us both, and provides healing at a deep level. It’s about a gentle giving rather than taking or using. It’s also non-judgemental. We stop judging ourselves and others so harshly when we feel whole, abundant and connected to all that is.

This approach particularly suits those of us in our autumn years because it fosters deep trust and intimacy. It’s not about performance of any kind. It triggers all the pleasant neurochemicals that we associate with deep contentment, satisfaction and wellbeing. Synergy doesn’t require sexual potency either, though that might be improved as a consequence of the deep healing. It also reduces pain. There’s even scientific support for this.

It helps people manage addictive disorders too, both through the brain changes it elicits as well as the benefits of feeling loved and supported. Doctors all over the world should consider prescribing it as a way of healing depression, anxiety and addictive disorders, which so often come from a sense of alienation and deep hurt in our life. Synergy builds resilience and wellbeing from the inside out. It’s never too late to learn how to be a sexy senior.

Synergy creates true equality between partners. Neither dominates, as is often the case in conventional intimate relationships. For years, feminists have been calling out men’s questionable behaviour but sadly, they often end up rejecting men in a state of anger and resentment. This is a great pity for all concerned, though sometimes understandable. Some modern-day liberal feminists try to be as self-focused in their sexual demands with conventional sex as men are said to be. That tends to produce the usual disappointing results after the initial attraction wears off. Men get angry too, thinking women are just after them for material reasons, when their lovely masculine energy is what truly nurtures.

With Synergy, equality in the relationship develops from the start and affects our attitudes and behaviours towards our partner and others. Above all it creates a state of inner joy that influences everything we do. It helps us to let go of the pain of the past and to move forward with hope and wisdom.

Too many people today are dependent on pornography and shallow hook ups, or experience a lot of churn in their relationships. Perhaps the path to fulfilment is right under our noses. Lovers really do need a new approach and as sexy seniors we can demonstrate for younger lovers a promising way forward.

Go forth and multiply those loving embraces and become a sexy senior!