“Wouldn’t it be frustrating?” When people first learn of Synergy lovemaking, they commonly ask such questions. The short answer is, “No, Synergy needn’t be frustrating”. But first, a bit of context.
In simplest terms, Synergy is affectionate, sensual activity without the goal of climax. Intercourse is generally frequent, although not necessarily daily, and actually not essential. But couples typically also engage in near-daily bonding behaviours. These powerful attachment cues reduce stress as well as strengthen bonds.
Alas, as a culture, we have trained ourselves that sex = orgasm. For many primates, however, this isn’t true. Various apes and monkeys frequently copulate without ejaculation. Among humans, the Synergy concept has cropped up repeatedly over the centuries, going by various names: ‘Taoist Dual Cultivation’, ‘Cortezia’, ‘Karezza’, ‘Tantra’, ‘Reserved Embrace’, and so forth. Cultures sometimes regulated sexual activity in other ways, too, such as kosher sex or taboos on intercourse after a wife gives birth until a child is walking.
In short, both the Church and today’s sexperts have misled us that a less fertilisation-driven approach to sex is unnatural. Humanity may one day recognise that it’s far more unnatural (indeed unwise) for lovers to exhaust their mutual sexual desire to the point where they find each other as appealing as canned peas.
Warning
Human mating has some very unfairytale-like characteristics. Yes, new lovers are generally jacked up on thrilling honeymoon neurochemicals. For example, they have extra nerve growth factor and cortisol flowing through their veins. Dopamine-releasing areas of the brain show additional activation. Serotonin can drop to the levels of OCD patients. That’s why lovers obsess over each other.
Yet all these potent neurochemicals typically return to base levels by the end of year two at the latest. Once that booster shot wears off, cracks tend to appear. That’s when habituation can wreak havoc if couples don’t learn to steer around it beforehand.
The standard sex advice for committed couples—which is to heat things back up in the direction of earlier intensity with more variety, novelty, partners or sex-toys—often backfires over the longer term. ‘Heat’ can gradually numb lovers’ sexual responsiveness, making vanilla pleasures decreasingly fulfilling. Mates can end up on an unsatisfying, but very demanding, treadmill, seeking new highs while feeling less overall pleasure. And certainly less fulfilment.
Synergy hacks our pair-bonding machinery organically. It allows lovers to remain attracted to each other because they don’t exhaust their desire; they keep it at a simmer. This may be why it has turned up repeatedly in different cultures over thousands of years.
Orgasm isn’t glue
Today’s orgasm-centric advice certainly doesn’t strengthen human pair bonds. After all, if orgasm did bond lovers, every punter would be in love with his hooker. And if orgasm itself were so beneficial, porn addicts would top the charts as the happiest, healthiest people on the planet.
In short, sex offers benefits beyond orgasm/fertilisation. In pair bonders such as humans, gibbons and titi monkeys, sex also helps sustain attraction and tap intimacy’s other subtle stress-reducing benefits. Climax not only isn’t essential for those benefits, it can sometimes put stress on a relationship because of perfectly natural post-climax shifts.
Preventing frustration
In today’s sexual environment, logic screams that Synergy should leave lovers horribly frustrated. Yet surprisingly it doesn’t. Lovers feel the most satisfied from Synergy if they
- Learn what they’re doing and why,
- Take a slow enough approach to intercourse,
- Make love for long enough that their frustration eases and they feel ‘fed’,
- Make love in gentle ‘waves’. That is, when things heat up, they allow their arousal to drop down repeatedly, and
- End their encounter in a relaxed, restful state.
Synergy lovemaking definitely takes a bit of getting used to. Lovers have to learn to stay back from the edge of orgasm—unless they care to risk genital congestion. Experiments can be surprisingly delicious.
