It is very easy to think you are doing fine as a Synergy couple when there are no conventional orgasms happening during lovemaking. Yet if dream orgasms appear anyway, causing the usual wide fluctuations in mood and behaviour, something is going on. What?

We had a lot of turbulence at home due to a big renovation project. The workers would arrive around 7 am and depart about 3pm. Sometimes another one would arrive late on the same day and stay till 9pm!

Nevertheless, we tried to make love Synergy-style for 20-30 minutes every 2 days or so. I noticed, however, that our lovemaking began to feel like a chore. Why did I find it hard to focus on being present and loving towards my partner?

Synergy sleuthing

A friend wondered if my sweetheart was perhaps destabilising my energy somehow. Maybe I wasn’t the source of the friction. She mentioned this because I’m very good at taking the blame when things go awry. What might it be? Was he watching porn on the side?

I took time to really think about what might be the issue. The next time we had some “afternoon delight” I realised that my uneasiness arose from a sense that he was getting too physical too quickly. He wanted to penetrate before I was really relaxed enough to produce the magical fluid that makes entry a delight. Instead he subtly put me under pressure. He used phrases like, “This is what men want”, and felt me up in a hungry way. I felt slightly used, manipulated and sadly, resentful. Afterward, I found myself engaging in unbalanced eating, bingeing in the afternoon that then triggered me in the middle of the night.

I realised we needed to have ‘that’ chat. I asked about possible porn use. He confirmed that porn was not in the picture. However, he admitted that the building project was leaving him exhausted. He feared he’d fall asleep during our lovemaking session if he relaxed too much. He didn’t have the energy, he said, to remain ‘present’ mentally. He believed he needed to be more physical to stay on the job of being with me. He didn’t want his sexual performance to disappoint me. I laughed and hugged him as sexual performance was so not an issue. We resolved that if he did fall asleep he obviously needed the nap. Totally fine with me. Being present was not essential, as long as the energy exchange continued.


I want my lover well rested and happy. Not stressed by what he thought were my expectations. Why add yet another stressor to the collection? Until the building project terminates, and the tensions of the day job have reduced a bit, we choose gentle, non-performative lovemaking!

It really helps to stop and take stock when the harmony falls off. By the way, the unexpected dream orgasms have reduced considerably despite the renovation chaos.