In this post I discuss two important ways I help a partner make the switch to non-goal driven lovemaking.

Be explicit

Face it. Especially in new relationships, none of us like to dictate to others or risk being interpreted as implying that their lovemaking skills could be improved. And all of us seek to please.

So, even when both partners theoretically agree to try a radically different approach of intimacy (in which orgasm is not the goal), most of us are still worried that our partner isn’t fully on board. Too often the outcome is a mix of good intentions, vague suggestions, second-guessing, and disappointing results.

After the death of my wife I had various partners who, despite what I said about not seeking orgasm, clung to the belief that my underlying goal was climax, and behaved accordingly.

Finally, I determined to lead by example. I made my desires crystal clear. “Don’t try to make me cum. That’s my only rule. If you want to please me, then move slowly, be loving and nurture me. Don’t try to get me off.”

I’m happy to report that this little speech seems to communicate something that a new partner can finally relate to!

And the results yield benefits. Women, especially, need a degree of safety and arousal before they can begin to be receptive to sexual intimacy and continue opening up during sex. Being able to rely on a partner to contain his sexual energy indefinitely allows the woman to relax and become unguarded.

This means that a man can do even more to increase a woman’s pleasure by helping her de-armour and relax totally during sex.

Help your partner relax

The conventional sex agenda urges us to tense up our muscles and restrict our breathing to build arousal. If we’re not paying attention this can happen without conscious awareness.

Relaxation actually increases her pleasure by allowing her to stop worrying about pleasing me or pursuing her orgasm, and be fully in the present. That’s how she can feel all of her sensations during sex.

A female friend said,

I think men can really help women with this. We’re so trained to follow men’s leads that we need men to remind us (repeatedly) to slow down, stop trying to do anything, and relax totally.

Women can also help men by gently reminding them to relax. A man who keeps his urogenital muscles relaxed will be less likely to overheat. Put another way, if he needs to clench his muscles to maintain control he has gone too close to The Edge.

Experiment with vocalizing during arousal and slow love-making. Don’t be afraid to express your pleasure with sighs or tones. The Gnostic teachings encourage one to chant the sounds I (Ignis, fire – Soul) – A (aqua, water, substance) – O (origo, air, origin). These mantras are pronounced EEEEE, AAAAAA, OOOOO. These tones vibrate the higher chakras and allow for more energy flow. Chanting them helps draw the sexual energy away from the genitals.

Relaxing bodywork

I’ve learned to be patient and use my de-armouring bodywork to slow a partner down. It is one way I shift her away from being hyperactive or tense.

I tend to offer gentle bodywork during an intimate encounter. Sensitive pressure steers the sensation away from building arousal and releases it back toward soft nurturing and loving kindness. This takes the emphasis off of constant sexual stimulation, and allows sensation to build in the rest of her body. See: Single, lonely, seeking connection. This resource will give you some practical instruction on utilizing gentle bodywork in a loving, respectful way.

This affectionate bodywork is my secret to peaceful, satisfying lovemaking. It works on women. I don’t see why it can’t work the other way around. I’ve learned that it is beneficial for men and women to both switch between yang and yin during love play – that is, be both the giver and the receiver.

Putting these ideas into practice

Here’s how these tips played out over several days with a new partner.

At first, she was constantly tensing up and pushing toward wanting release. I would gently whisper to her to slow down, relax and breathe. I think she was feeling like she was doing something wrong and didn’t want to disappoint me. She was so clearly wired from past trauma to seek hot sex that this default program kept coming up.

Finally last night, I did a de-armouring session on her pelvic region, then encouraged her to lie on her back and remain perfectly still. I told her, “You don’t have to do anything.” I instructed her to focus on her breasts, and told her, “don’t move… just keep letting all the tension in your body release and relax.”

I feather caressed her with soft kisses and my hands, slowly, sensually for at least an hour and a half. We had soft music playing. I talked to her kindly, kept encouraging her to “expand” rather than contract. I would say, “Expand into space. Be like a space being – be like air.”

OMG, she became so free of tension, so expanded and delightfully soft. Her entire body eventually became limp and unguarded. I felt honoured by how much she trusted me to protect and comfort her. She has embraced the heart of soft sensation and true feminine receptivity.

Make your own experiments

The transition to Synergy from conventional sex can be easier than you think, and mutually pleasurable. Remember: Be explicit. Affectionately urge your partner to relax totally. And have fun!