Polyamory is a very complex subject. Depending upon how we see ourselves, quite different outcomes follow. I believe polyamory is neither good nor bad. It’s just what some desire when they’re not completely in love with one person. We can learn great lessons from both the poly and mono approaches to love.
Pretty much everyone I’ve known who enthusiastically embraced polyamory became totally opposed to it the day they fell head over heels in love with someone. Bam! All of a sudden, no more sharing! Suddenly, these people clearly wanted union of a single yin and yang, or nothing at all.
Of course, polys will say they can be completely in love with several people. As an experienced tantra teacher, I’ve heard many people say that. I disagree. The day they experienced complete love, almost all of them changed their minds.
Here are some additional ideas, which address some of the complexities. Each of the following categories could be developed at length. Here, I will cover only 4 themes in relation to polyamory: the non attractive person in poly, the attractive person, the problem of attraction, the ability to be alone.
The unattractive person and some common beliefs about polyamory
- This person expects to resign him/herself to the crumbs, the remains left by the beautiful and attractive. This is because the unattractive will less often come first when the attractive think about their next encounter.
- This person expects to be the first person discarded, the last chosen. Like the weakest player on a sports team, chosen at the end.
- Having low self-esteem can lead to tolerating, even wanting, polyamory, even thinking it’s great.
- After all, leftovers are better than nothing, they tell themselves.
- They cultivate a false impression of freedom. Yet becoming attached to receiving crumbs strengthens their feelings of worthlessness.
- With higher self-worth, these people would not linger in polyamory.
The attractive person and some common beliefs about polyamory
- This person often needs (perhaps unconsciously) to fill a void.
- They may harbor a very superficial conception of success.
- The following thought may haunt them: “Why limit yourself to just one when all flock to you?”
- They may find any sort of commitment difficult because they have never valued it. “I always get all the attention and help I need. I can even discard those who mildly annoy me. More will appear. They always do.”
- False conceptions of monogamy can develop (boring, missing opportunities, etc.), along with superficial feelings of superiority based only on their appearance.
- And when age leaves its mark and beauty fades the person may be completely lost. Such people often thought that their apparent success was due to their inherent value. Now, they suddenly realize it was only due to their fleeting looks.
- Sometimes, the attractive person was not always beautiful. A formerly unattractive person who became popular and may now covet all that they thought they were missing before.
My point regarding the unattractive and attractive poly practitioners is that they will often extol the merits of this love approach when deep down, their choice speaks more to inner issues, needs, and false perspectives. They might benefit more from resolving these issues in themselves than from relying on polyamory for contentment.
The complex problem of attraction
The « pretty privilege » is not a privilege. In years of observation, I’ve rarely met anyone who was able to effortlessly attract multiple lovers, who had a healthy view of love relationships.
Drowned in affection and attention, these people had little space to desire, to appreciate another, or to sincerely mean the words, “I love you”. In fact, they may be incapable of appreciating a person who gives them true love. This is very sad for them, and they often end up alone.
Alternatively, they may find themselves with partners who can’t give anything. In this way, they can finally experience love or desire. Yet they may be surprised to discover that they are with insensitive people.
Finally, the ability to experience wellbeing when alone
When we are content while single, monogamy like polyamory no longer affects our choices. We are not attached to a particular arrangement.
Nothing is further from solo wellbeing than defending the need to have couple relationships (poly or mono). Therefore most polyamourous individuals have great difficulties when completely single.
As for me?
I place myself neither among the ugly nor the beautiful. I am grateful for this status, and glad that I have not had to overcome the “pretty privilege”.
- Self-esteem. I have suffered from neither lack of confidence nor excess confidence. I have been comfortable with myself since childhood.
- On the question of being happy single. Yes, I am very, very content when alone.
- Being neither beautiful nor ugly, when I walk down the street, I am neither wanted nor rejected by anyone. At the same time, I was very rarely “the first choice” in dating, at least not based on my face. I was often told that I have charm when I open my mouth and speak. So I have been fortunate enough to find complete love several times in my life. In these wonderful relationships, I spontaneously felt no desire to add a third person.
When I have been in relationships in which love was incomplete, I found myself “looking around”. I noticed that if love was not complete, I sought a sense of completion with other relationships. I prefer by far the feeling of “natural fidelity” (not obligatory religious fidelity), which arises from needing nothing other than myself and, in the event of complete love, one other person.
This kind of natural fidelity comes with a wonderful fresh breeze.… In these conditions, I can come across the most delicious woman (according to my criteria when I am single), and I feel no desire to cultivate a love interest. I find this kind of spontaneous, unforced loyalty so liberating!
I will close with this inspiring poem about love:
“If you want to change the world” by Lisa Citore
For many men, there will always be another woman.
Soon the new shiny one will become the old dull one
and you’ll grow restless again, trading in women like cars,
trading in the Goddess for the latest object of your desire…
Man doesn’t need any more choices.
What man needs is Woman, the Way of the Feminine,
of Patience and Compassion, non-seeking, non-doing,
of breathing in one place and sinking deep intertwining roots
strong enough to hold the Earth together
while she shakes off the cement and steel from her skin.
If you want to change the world… love a woman, just one woman .
Love and protect her as if she is the last holy vessel.
Love her through her fear of abandonment
which she has been holding for all of humanity.
No, the wound is not hers to heal alone.
No, she is not weak in her codependence.
If you want to change the world… love a woman
all the way through
until she believes you,
until her instincts, her visions, her voice, her art, her passion,
her wildness have returned to her-
until she is a force of love more powerful
than all the political media demons who seek to devalue and destroy her.
If you want to change the world,
lay down your causes, your guns and protest signs.
Lay down your inner war, your righteous anger
and love a woman…
beyond all of your striving for greatness,
beyond your tenacious quest for enlightenment.
The holy grail stands before you
if you would only take her in your arms
and let go of searching for something beyond this intimacy.
What if peace is a dream which can only be remembered
through the heart of Woman?
What if a man’s love for Woman, the Way of the Feminine
is the key to opening Her heart?
If you want to change the world…love a woman
to the depths of your shadow,
to the highest reaches of your Being,
back to the Garden where you first met her,
to the gateway of the rainbow realm
where you walk through together as Light as One,
to the point of no return,
to the ends and the beginning of a new Earth.
