Men often justifiably complain about confusing, shifting gender roles. Their partners now find themselves in an equally confusing shift. Sexual passivity, or “lie back and think of England”, clearly produced resentment. After all, women are not mere objects for men’s use.
No wonder recent generations proclaim that orgasm is everyone’s right. Yet does living the dream of “more orgasms for all” help mates stay in love with each other? No, too often cracks appear. Overheated sex can lead to feelings of satiety (extinguished desire) and projections of a sense of depletion for both partners. Lovers notice this especially after the “honeymoon” neurochemical booster wear off.
Not surprisingly, sexual dysfunctions, once confined to older men, now trouble many young men. This distressing reality pushes lovers relentlessly toward artificial stimulation and risky sex-enhancing pharmaceuticals in pursuit of orgasm. Also, addiction rates are disturbingly high. So are rates of compulsive sexual behaviour disorder. Sadly, many online erotica consumers now find erotica more arousing than partners. Not surprisingly, research reveals declining rates of both sex and sexual satisfaction.
Frankly, equality and a focus on more orgasmic sex have not fulfilled their promise of sexual wellbeing, improved intimacy or contentment. So how is a guy to find the nourishment he seeks from intimacy? By becoming better pilots men can help women nurture them better.
Help her be a better lover
Lovers can learn to achieve a sensual, relaxed equilibrium in place of the familiar fireworks. One promising strategy is Synergy-style lovemaking. It keeps lovers magnetic, affectionate, and brimming with life. In fact, the ancient Chinese taught that it even increased longevity.
Long ago, Dr. J. William Lloyd described the difference between two models of sexuality (gender roles) for women:
There is a passion which grips and dominates its subject, greedy, jerky, avid and, as it were, hysterical – like the food-appetite which bolts its meal…. But there is another passion just as strong, or stronger, more consciously delightful, in which the emotion is luxurious, voluptuous, esthetic, epicurean, which lingers, dallies, prolongs and appreciates, which is neither hurried nor excited, and which invites all the joys and virtues to the feast. This is the passion of true Karezza [lovemaking without orgasm], especially of the woman who is perfect in the art. She is then to her lover like music, like a poem, not like a bacchante or a neurotic.
The Karezza Method by J. William Lloyd (1931)
Make it easy for your partner to choose the latter course. Encourage her to lay aside the hooks of her inner seductress. Help her relax into her natural, nurturing magnetism. If she tries to heat you up, don’t respond in like measure. Instead, deliberately return things to a calmer approach.
If necessary, remind her that seeking your ejaculation is a subconscious genetic programme that evolved to encourage fertilisation, not sustainable intimacy. Also remind her that climax could set off subconscious bells of alarm for one, or both, of you. In short, you could find yourself in the all too familiar downward spiral described the earlier. Does she want that?
If you’re ready to experiment, try these suggestions:
- Inspire her to try something new, at least for a few months. After all, you can both always return to today’s standard gender roles and pursue climaxes. Meanwhile commit to Synergy. If you need pointers, you will find a free PDF of tips at the bottom of each page of this website.
- Begin with a series of encounters that employ only non-intrusive bonding behaviours. These nurturing cues don’t involve intercourse.
- During this preliminary period, practice circulating your sexual energy. It will reduce sexual frustration. In fact, try circulating your energy together.
- As you move forward, be a safe pilot. Go slowly, and pause often. And be sure to remind each other to keep your genital regions completely relaxed.
- If you feel yourself or your partner moving toward conventional orgasm, choose a position like ‘scissors’. That will help you relax into a shared sexual meditation.
- During lovemaking, consciously send your partner your nourishing energy, and absorb your partner’s nourishing energy. Imagine a current of energy moving between you.
- If either of you should climax, you are likely to experience emotional or physical separation within days. Paradoxically, this fallout can be even worse if you have first opened each other up with lots of intimate bonding behaviours. Such attachment cues signal that you are on your way to “oneness,” and when things derail, emotions can turn sour. For example, your partner may remind you of a bottomless pit of exhausting demands, and she may find you, insensitive and selfish.
- If climax occurs, return to daily non-intrusive bonding behaviours for a week or two. This helps you move past the neurochemical cycle after orgasm and strengthen your inner balance. Then, you can safely engage in relaxed intercourse again.
Think of your partner like an oyster
Make it safe for her to stay open, vulnerable and receptive to you. You can do this by letting go of any lovemaking expectations or gender roles that would hold you both back.
Take the lead by setting her a good example. Be chivalrous and generous. Forego trying to get something in return for your generosity. It creates defensiveness.
