A young man on a karezza (a type of Synergy lovemaking) forum posted:
I am still in my 20s and from a young age I have been conditioned by porn. Many women in my generation are also conditioned by porn and Hollywood (50 Shades of Grey etc) and sadly even some aspects of feminism that demand equality in achieving orgasm, as they should. But for some [women] that can only come with rough, aggressive, fast sex, which is the polar opposite of the sexual/spiritual practice of Karezza.
…I am deeply anxious that slow Karezza sex will not satisfy my partner who will be conditioned by the above-mentioned forces. I feel it will make me look weak in her eyes sexually, especially since I display a very masculine and sexual body and personality. I feel like I will not meet these expectations unless I perform aggressive sex that leads to orgasm for my partner.
He received some replies that might interest other Synergy Explorers:
Hmm, this is a tough one as I understand the truth of your concerns regarding how society sells the idea of sex and orgasm being inextricably linked. I’m much older (45) but I can give a female perspective.
I found karezza very recently and have stuck to it for spiritual reasons. But I’d had over 20 years of practicing orgasmic sex first so it was a tough transition at first. My husband practices with me but he’s not strict about retaining his own orgasms as I am about mine- he just does slow mindful sex with me. He is also very masculine both physically and personality-wise and my desire for him hasn’t decreased since we began this – it’s the exact opposite. I want him more than ever. Although I accept it’s a bit different as we were already a couple when we began this journey.
After initially finding it challenging, I now find the sex even better than orgasmic sex. We’re way more connected both in and out of the bedroom. We have sex more often and it lasts for much longer. It’s a common complaint of heterosexual women that men are too quick in bed. Most women would be delighted to hear you want to slow it waaay down and focus on an emotional connection rather than using them as cum dumpsters.
A woman of quality will understand the value of what you’re offering and respect your spiritual path.
Another:
Karezza appeals to me because there is no rush, there is no pressure to orgasm. There is the focus on slow, intimate sex and a mutual building of arousal and sexual energy. I haven’t fully committed to the practice yet just because I’m not anti-orgasm in the right context and I have some kinks to understand still. But, I personally would be significantly more sexually satisfied with it than 99% of what our generation considers to be “good sex.”
You’re correct in saying that our generation has been negatively influenced by porn, poor sex ed, and aspects of feminism. We are taught that explosive, mind-blowing orgasms are the indicator of sexual satisfaction and we are sadly shown only very specific forms of sexual stimulation that are unrealistic. I’m going to assume that, for many women in their 20s like myself, the pressure to orgasm and to have/provide “mind-melting” sex takes away any satisfaction that may come from actually having it. Just the statistics on how often women fake orgasms (myself included) indicates that we feel pressure and aren’t able to experience authentic sex.
…To wrap it up, I think just the fact that you’ve taken inventory into how you want your sex life to look and have then taken the steps to implement it is an attractive quality that most men our age don’t have. It shows you’re acting with your head and not just your genitals and women relate that to good sex. I personally think Karezza would be very satisfying and I think a lot of 20-something women would agree. Just be patient with us when you explain it because the concept of a man not just chasing his own orgasm and expecting us to as well takes a bit for us to comprehend.
A man:
It’s difficult to find people who are interested, but you might have some luck pursuing people who are into meditation since karezza is basically mindfulness + intimacy.
Also, I think since a lot of people have been conditioned from such a young age like you described, it’s sort of a “you don’t know what you’re missing” situation. If you find an open-minded partner, chances are they will never want to go back to superficial sex.
Another man:
I practice semen retention so I go slow or medium speed during sex, never fast. My view on this is that a woman who is not able to adapt to be able to enjoy my way of having sex just isn’t the woman for me. This is something that’s so important to me that it’s a deal-breaker if she can’t get down with it. And I’ve found both kinds of women, ones who just aren’t satisfied with it and ones who end up loving it. Trust your own preferences and trust that there are so many different kinds of women out there that you can definitely find one that is compatible with you.
And:
I’ve known college students that are into Karezza big time. The benefits are that you can have hours of sex every day without the fallout.
I don’t believe in trying to tell someone else what to do, so with my partner, I start with “I’m not going to come this time”, kind of like AA “one day at a time.” Over time, this changes our sexual relationship without any words spoken, or very few, on the subject. The more sex is done, and the less it’s talked about, the better.
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